Thursday, July 30, 2009

My heart is a mosh-pit - 7dp2dt

And not a Spice-Girls mosh-pit full of excitement and crazy glee. No, my heart is a Rage Against the Machine mosh-pit full of familiar characters.

Hope is a small gal in leathers and gothic makeup, and she's squashed in the middle of the pit. Her feet are trampled on by Fear, she's winded by Anxiety and Nightmare is leering at her in a most awful way. She got separated from her BFFs, Courage and Strength, and she's far too close to Despair and Rage instead.

It's a mighty uncomfortable place, my heart. And my head's not helping. I saw the IVF counsellor yesterday and she suggested that I was 'thinking' too much and that all the knowledge in the world wasn't going to help me deal with any of this. Monica's post about plans and her counsellor's suggestion about the "why of her plan-making" was analogous to my counsellor scolding me for excessive research. Monica's plans supposedly help her cope - my 'knowledge' is supposed to help me.

Her counsellor said
"You make plans because they seem like something you can control, and they give you something to focus on besides grief and pain."

Mine said "You're researching everything and trying to find out all the information you can so you can focus on something besides your feelings".

So, I feel like a mosh-pit.


  1. Funny, I think our shrinks might be conspiring against us. Heh heh.

  2. I hear ya - waiting is really hard. Of course we want to regain some sense of control..... focus on facts if they support our goals....... that's what *I* call SURVIVAL!!!

  3. Ack. I wonder if said counsellors have actually ever done IVF??

    IVF is the biggest hardest emotional mindfuck. Thinking of you, sweet Pund.



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