Saturday, October 24, 2009

Feeelings and meeetings

I've been feeeeling awful in my body - last Tuesday the Big Guy had to pull me out of bed because my neck seized up and I couldn't move from laying down. Agony for a few days. And bad timing too. I started the meditation/breathing/yoga course on Tuesday and, of course, could barely move. I was drugged up and did my best and it was ok. Fast forward to today, Friday, and I can move without agony again (hooray) and I'm ok.

I met Prue from CD1 tonight which was lovely (Hi Prue) - she came to my hometown and we met for a drinkiepoo at a bar with another friend of hers. It got me to thinking about how strange it is to have friends one rarely (or ever) meets in person. People I share my most intimate life with, who get me and support me and knock me out of it when I need knocking. And you're all so dear to me. I wish you could all come to a bar with me and chatter about everything.

I haven't been posting much lately. Prior to the agony I was just busy and trying to avoid the computer, get good sleep and live in the now.

Which is a topic of conversation at Art of Living. The present is inevitable; looking to the past all the time is like driving a car and watching the rear-view mirror ... crash; right now is all there is. And that's been ticking around in my brain too. I think I have been spending too much time looking in the rear-view mirror or trying to watch 5 cars ahead. I need to be in my now. There's that cheesy saying "Today is a gift, that's why they call it the present" and though it's terribly awfully cheesy, it's so true. (On a side note why are the truest things spouted always so cheesy-sounding - Hallmark has a lot to answer for.)

 Acupuncture is ok. The needles are fine in my front, but she stuck needles in my sore back bits on Thursday and caused pain pain pain. And I don't like lying on my front. At all. Ever. But I'm keeping it up because of that German study. As for the breathing/yoga I feel loving towards it though I also find myself nonplussed about doing it every day as a regular practice. I think I feel lighter for doing it. And I would recommend it to anyone. It's worth going and trying it out. There's Art of Living centres around the world. If you're interested do investigate.

The Big Guy has landed in San Francisco and my house is empty and quiet. For the next two days I am only responsible for looking after myself unless I choose otherwise (the Little Guy returns home on Sunday) and finally next Wednesday TBG flies home. He was so cute before leaving, all packed 3 days early and making lists and folders of documents (itinerary, maps, timetables of trains, lists of hotes, the works), anxious about being overseas alone and excited about going to the famed US of A.

I found it hard to understand his anxiety though, I am a relaxed traveller and I like making plans on the go and I like doing my own thing, so a week overseas would be wonderful. But he was worried about being 'alone' and not having rooms booked for every single night he was away. He left the last few nights open because he will meet people at this conference who will be cool and also tourist-ing and so he's free to stay wherever he likes without bookings. Go wherever the spirit takes him. I'm still peeved at Google, how dare they refuse to pay for me to have a US holiday with TBG - so rude! I hope he reads this and is having a ball.

Oh and I ovulated finally last Friday; we managed to do the deed though much like JB, I wonder why we bothered. I mean really. But all the same, I'd like to be the urban legend knocked-up-in-the-off-cycle lady. The acupuncturist said "it happen alla time in my crinic" so who knows. (P.S. JB your comment window won't load for me otherwise I'd have said - hey I'm in the same boat! Let's both be urban legends. And you too Prue.)

Ahhhh, in my now, my back is cramping and I must fly to my bed so I can go do 5 hours of breath of life and yoga tomorrow.

Fare Well my pretties.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

OTT and Kreativ

WiseGuy gave me two bloggy awards! Amazing given that I feel that neither is particularly deserved. My blog (and I) are not particularly over the top, nor kreativ. But hey, I shall play along because I get to award these awards again (hooray) and tell you random things about me. Thank you ^WiseGuy^  :o)

Here's the rules we all have to absolutely to the letter follow:

1. you can only use one word!
2. pass this along to 6 of your favourite bloggers
3. alert them that you have given them this award!
4. have fun!

1. Where is your cell phone?  Handbag
2. Your hair?  Brown
3. Your mother?  Sad
4. Your father?  Dead
5. Your favourite food?  Curry
6. Your dream last night?  Unremarkable
7. Your favourite drink?  Kahlua
8. Your dream/goal?  Baby
9. What room are you in?  Dining Room
10. Your hobby?  Reading
11. Your fear?  Agony
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years?  Centred
13. Where were you last night?  Home
14. Something that you aren’t?  Creative
15. Muffins?  Blueberry
16. Wish list item?  Baby
17. Where did you grow up?  Australia
18. Last thing you did?  Read
19. What are you wearing?  Civvies
20. Your TV?  Off
21. Your pets?  Cats
22. Friends?  Loving
23. Your life?  Waiting
24. Your mood?  Hopeful
25. Missing someone?  Gramps
26. Vehicle?  Ford
27. Something you’re not wearing?  Scarf
28. Your favorite store?  Nope
29. Your favorite color?  Red
30. When was the last time you laughed?  Earlier
31. Last time you cried?  Thursday
32. Your best friend? Adorable
33. One place that I go to over and over? Desk
34. One person who emails me regularly? Mum
35. Favorite place to eat? Satgurus

And my nominees are all lovely, go read them if you don't already ...
First Comes Love
I Can't Whistle
Invitro Veritas
Zen and the Art of Peacekeeping
Infertile Naomi
We got hitched. We bought the 4 bedroom house. Now what??? 

And now for the also completely undeserved Kreativ Blogger Award. Thank You again WiseGuy!

More rules:
1) Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
2) Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
3) Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
4) Name 7 things about yourself that people may not know.
5) Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.
6) Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.
7) Leave a comment on each.

Seven Things that People May Not Know About Me:

1. I am a perfectionist and a control-freak. Hang on, you'd probably gathered that already.

2. I think I am fat but my weight/BMI is perfect. Dysmorphic much? (Thanks Mum!)

3. I wanted to be a clinical neuropsychologist and I've worked for 8 years to get into the doctorate, but now I'm so close I don't want to do it any more.

4. My husband is completely wonderful and deliciously sweet and he recently arrived home with new clothes he'd spontaneously bought for me because "they had a sale on". And they're even nice clothes that fit me and look good!!!

5. I cannot reconcile short-sleeve tops with hoods. Hoods are for cold weather. Short-sleeves are for warm weather. WTF is going on with short-sleeve hoodies???

6. I learned the flute when I was in high-school and my teacher said I had promise. But I wouldn't march in time to the metronome - we had an argument about that and I stopped playing. Imagine, marching along to a metronome. Could she have thought of a better way to make poor 14yr old me feel like a complete dickhead? Silly me.

7. I don't like eating in the morning. Before 10am anyway.

And the nominees are a mixed bag of writers I love, food I eat and presentations I aspire to...
Eat Me, Delicious
Catherine Newman
Annie's Eats
In a Beautiful Pea Green Boat
May I Say Something
Presentation Zen
Mimi Smartypants

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Plans and Punctures and Peacefulness

I can has a plan and I can has acupuncture and I can eben has relaxayshun.

Next cycle will be a scrape-the-bottom-of-the-barrel cycle, an Antagonist + Clomid cycle.
CD2 - CD6 100mg clomiphene citrate,
CD7 - trigger Gonal-F 450iu,
CD9 or something - Orgalutran
Trigger with HCG, collect many more than two wonderful beautiful ova.
Fertilise them and then get me knocked up.

That's the plan, Stan. I spoke to the doc at my WTF appointment for ages (about 40minutes) and bombarded him with my concerns and worries and fears and tears. We discussed a straight antagonist, we discussed this clomid cycle and eventually I decided to give this a go.

Hopefully the Clomid will induce my poor sluggish ovaries to recruit more primordial follicles, then the mega-dose of Gonal-F is supposed to mature them eggies so theys all purty and ready for baby-growing.

Acupuncture-lady, the lovely Alice, says I have sluggish blood flow, but nothing else wrong with me. She thinks the fibromyalgia and lack of good sleep is probably a major contributor to whatever problemo I have bin experienshing. Alice suggests weekly acupuncture, then a sesh the day before the transfer and the day of the transfer and 2 more in the luteal phase. Pretty much exactly what I was hoping she'd recommend. She says it will promote blood flow and create a healthy uterus environment.

Also I will be going off to do an Art of Living course at the end of October with my very best friend in the whole wide world who has been trying to convince me to go on one of these courses for years. Wonderfully, beautifully, she is the teacher this time and so I shall go and she shall teach me how to breeeeeathe and reeeeelaaax. While the naughty-lucky-sweet Big Guy is off at the Nerd-Fest in San Francisco I shall chill.

Will it work - I have no clue. Am I hopeful - naturellement! But hey, I'm hopeful that we could just have s.ex and get knocked up like regular folks do. Off I go to try ;o)

Friday, October 2, 2009

Super-Prof to the rescue!

It was a good thing, that second opinion appointment. I paid $210 for a doctor to back me up and that felt good. I arrived and supplied my enormous medical IF history. We chatted a bit about why I was there and I explained some of the issues I had with my clinic - the protocol choices made so far and advised for the future. Then I sat back and listened.

He said I have done my research well and asked if I had a background in embryology. I said no, in neuroscience and then he remembered meeting me months ago :o)

He said I should do an antagonist cycle with 450iu FSH next - exactly what I self-prescribed for the last cycle but got talked out of. He said he wouldn't recommend trying an antagonist with clomid protocol until we've tried antagonist with higher FSH. I shall not waiver this time! Appointment booked next Wednesday with my clinic to see a doctor about the next protocol.

He said acupuncture can't hurt, trillions of Chinese can't be wrong and that German study (see previous post, paper in link 4) was rigorous and showed significant results. Acupuncture booked for next Thursday.

He said try to relax and definitely, definitely have a cycle off between stims. He also said to try having s.ex the night before transfer because there was a study that showed improved pregnancy rates when that was done.

He said DHEA can't hurt so give it a go at 75mg/day. Off to the compounding pharmacy to purchase it tomorrow.

He said not to bother with corticosteroids; one, because I am negative for immune issues and two, because the studies showing efficacy are small and the effect of the steroids is not well understood. He said no aspirin as it has now been demonstrated to cause cleft palates and other deformities in utero and is thus contra-indicated. I test negative for clotting factors, so no heparin either.

He said that my AMH level of 6 is what he would expect for a 37 year old woman and not to think of it as bad. 1 would be bad, 6 is normal. And that I should remember that it's not an indicator of oocyte quality.

He said our 100% fertilisation was great (4 eggs so far, 4 embryos created) and the 50% transfer rate was also good. He added that the chemical pregnancy from IVF#1 was also good.

He said that if we got more than 4 embryos he would recommend growing to blastocyst before transfer rather than day 2. If less than 4 then transfer on day 2 like we have previously.

He said that the Medicare changes wouldn't be so bad, that they've introduced new item numbers to bill under - he sat on the advisory committee so was fairly comfortable telling me this. This means that my darling, wonderful Big Guy has said that maybe, if need be (please god we don't need to) we can do another cycle after the next. So I can stop feeling all pressured by this next cycle as my last chance!

He said we even could actually, really, truly conceive naturally so to keep on doing the deed appropriately just in case. The 92% abnormal morphology is not a death knell and my tests come back normal so it might happen. Not to give up on that anyway. Because I was thinking that if IVF#3 doesn't work (please god no) then that would be the end of the baby dream for us. He says no. Keep on trying naturally anyway.

Lastly he said good luck, stay positive and try to de-stress-ify. I'll work on that.

So that was grand. Except I left the office feeling weirdly unhappy. I mean, he told me good things and it was useful but I feel like the last 2 cycles have just been a big waste of time and money. I wish I had pushed harder to get an antagonist at least last time. The doctor de jour would have done it if I'd insisted. I just didn't insist. I caved to the authoritarian wisdom of the doctor, but I really did know what I was talking about as demonstrated by Super-Prof's recommendation.

I drove 45 minutes home, slowly and sadly. Called a few friends who were all uncontactable, called my Pa who was home. He told me what he'd been up to and then advised me to tell my procrastinating "I don't want to write" self to Bugger Off and just commit to writing my thesis up. And write it.  So then I spoke to my supervisor and arranged a meeting with her. None of which helped me feel any better.

I went into the supermarket to buy fish for dinner and stood there reading the trashy mags that I won't buy but will happily read in the store given half a chance. Mum called while I was in the store, she's been away since the day of the egg pick-up. So I chatted to her miserably, sharing my IVFy business with all and sundry who bothered to listen as they collected their flour and sugar. Poor shoppers.

And then I went back outside to find it was late late late and the clearways were in full force and my poor little car was sitting blocking traffic for a mile back. So of course, waiting for me on my windshield was a $117 parking ticket. Which sucked.

Ahhh, life, it's a balancing act of highs and lows. I want more highs please.

Oh, and AF arrived on Wednesday (12dpOPU) which made this cycle a 26 day cycle.