Tuesday, September 16, 2014

So, post-menopause hey.

I wish post-menopause had some post in it. As in finished. Instead all that's finished are periods and baby-dreams.  But symptoms, oy veh, I have them coming out the wazoo. Literally.

Why is menopause education not included in general biology education. Seriously. We just went to the s.ex-ed class for tLG and there was no mention of the End of Days. Just that female fertility would run out in 30 years or so, like someone magically pushes a button and it's all OFF. Well, it's not and I am under-prepared for this.

My GP has put me on hormone replacement therapy.

DID YOU HEAR THAT? ME? I AM 42!!! HRT IS FOR OL' LADEEEZ. (PS, no offense intended for anyone older than me or on HRT.)

Apparently, it'll take 2 or 3 weeks to kick in, apparently. So in the meantime this is how it is.
Let me tell you what's in store, all you lovely ladies out there reading.

Night sweats and hot flushes/flashes (who the hell knows which terminology is correct).
Oh My Fucking DoG. I had read about this but absolutely nothing can prepare a perpetually cold person for the anti-joy of this internal infernal heat.  I actually thought to myself (pre-hot-flushes-actually-occurring) "Oh, maybe it would be nice to be hot".

No. It is not nice. In the space of a second, I transition from comfortable to OH MY GOD GET THESE CLOTHES OFF ME I AM DYING OF HEAT. In all seriousness. And at night it's worse, so I sleep in 45 minute stretches, punctuated by throwing off of all bedclothes and cooling too far. To say, I'm tired is an understatement.

Mmm, imagine PMS. Forever. I am doing a lot of time outs (sending myself to another room) and deep breathing.

You know where I mean. And it's not only my external should-be-moist membranes, it's dry deep inside. Like some kind of internal (infernal) Gobi.  I also experienced an overgrowth of healthy flora and had to bomb my body to control it all. Still too scared to try horizontal folk dancing with The Big Guy. Last 3 times were painful. Even with aids. Poor Big Guy is getting a rough deal out of this.

That'll do for now.

I'll keep you posted, I'm sure you're desperate to hear the next instalment.

PS. Some women do not experience many (or any) symptoms of menopause. They are lucky, and when my Mama told me she was one of them I wanted to poke her eyes out with a stick. Just sayin'.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

"That's it; that's all she wrote"

Meaning: An articulation of a sudden and unforeseen end to one's hopes or plans.

But it wasn't unseen, nor unexpected. And yet.

My period is 2 weeks late but I'm not pregnant. Instead what I am is post-menopausal.

FSH = 90.6
Estrogen <44

They are the levels found in a person who no longer ovulates and will no longer menstruate.

I'm 42.

I knew it was coming, but I didn't REALLY know it. Not in my bones. Not in my heart. Certainly not in my hopes. But now there is no chance for the famous "just forget about it" baby.

My realm now is one of hot flashes, vag.inal atrophy, vag.inal dryness, irritability, mood swings, insomnia blah blah blah.

Fucking life is unfair so much of the time.