Sunday, July 25, 2010

Crazy lady

I'm having a moment. I don't think I have any stories, tryings, hopings or wishings except akshully I do have all of the above and I wish I didn't. Crazy-lady is crazy.

How can I turn off my brain?? I just don't know.  What I do know is that if you google "sore breasts, nausea and burping" then the interwebs thinks you are baking a bun. Except I know that most likely I am not, but my heart hopes I am wrong and so I have been having an endless, unsatisfying argument with myself that goes a little something like this.

"Maybe I could get pregnant."

"Just stop it."

"You never know, stranger things have happened - like that girl with no external genitalia who gave her boyfriend head and then got stabbed and then had a c-section to deliver a healthy baby boy."


"But my boobs are sore and today I'm nauseous."

"Yes and your period is due tomorrow or the next day so your progesterone levels are high and you know that both Mum and the Perfect Princess were queasy yesterday - it's a bug".

"But, maybe..."

"But nothing.  Just shut the fuck up already!"

I'm a crazy woman, honest-to-god, some of these conversations have occurred aloud because somehow I muct figure I can get through to myself better if I talk aloud.

In other crazy-lady news I'm thinking of starting my Masters next year. I've had all my plans smashed into tiny pieces and I've been feeling a bit lost without plans for the future.  I'm worried that if I don't get a move-on and finish doing something with this psych major then I'll never have a proper career. And if I can't have a baby then I better have a fucking good career instead.  Problem being that I am scarred from this last year of writing and IVFing and grieving and so I'm quite put off writing. In my investigations I've discovered that possibly the easiest way for me to get certified (short of more talk-aloud conversations in public accompanied by nudity and knives) is to do a Masters of Psychology (Developmental and Educational).  It's still a shitload of writing all up but the thesis is only 9000-16000 words instead of 60,000. Which sounds vaguely doable.

I shall continue pondering and talking to myself.

By the way - I caved and gazed at a negative pee-stick just now (late at night on CD13) for the first time in 7 months - I'd broken that darn habit. Fucking stupid sore boobs and sicky-tummy.

Thursday, July 8, 2010


I have to re-frame my focus and I'm not sure how.