Sunday, July 25, 2010

Crazy lady

I'm having a moment. I don't think I have any stories, tryings, hopings or wishings except akshully I do have all of the above and I wish I didn't. Crazy-lady is crazy.

How can I turn off my brain?? I just don't know.  What I do know is that if you google "sore breasts, nausea and burping" then the interwebs thinks you are baking a bun. Except I know that most likely I am not, but my heart hopes I am wrong and so I have been having an endless, unsatisfying argument with myself that goes a little something like this.

"Maybe I could get pregnant."

"Just stop it."

"You never know, stranger things have happened - like that girl with no external genitalia who gave her boyfriend head and then got stabbed and then had a c-section to deliver a healthy baby boy."


"But my boobs are sore and today I'm nauseous."

"Yes and your period is due tomorrow or the next day so your progesterone levels are high and you know that both Mum and the Perfect Princess were queasy yesterday - it's a bug".

"But, maybe..."

"But nothing.  Just shut the fuck up already!"

I'm a crazy woman, honest-to-god, some of these conversations have occurred aloud because somehow I muct figure I can get through to myself better if I talk aloud.

In other crazy-lady news I'm thinking of starting my Masters next year. I've had all my plans smashed into tiny pieces and I've been feeling a bit lost without plans for the future.  I'm worried that if I don't get a move-on and finish doing something with this psych major then I'll never have a proper career. And if I can't have a baby then I better have a fucking good career instead.  Problem being that I am scarred from this last year of writing and IVFing and grieving and so I'm quite put off writing. In my investigations I've discovered that possibly the easiest way for me to get certified (short of more talk-aloud conversations in public accompanied by nudity and knives) is to do a Masters of Psychology (Developmental and Educational).  It's still a shitload of writing all up but the thesis is only 9000-16000 words instead of 60,000. Which sounds vaguely doable.

I shall continue pondering and talking to myself.

By the way - I caved and gazed at a negative pee-stick just now (late at night on CD13) for the first time in 7 months - I'd broken that darn habit. Fucking stupid sore boobs and sicky-tummy.


  1. You are not crazy, think about how hard it is to totally shift your mind set from babies to something else. I hate that our bodies and minds play games with us like this. I do find though in the months that we are really not trying, I pay way less attention to those symptoms to the point where I do not think about my period until the day it is arriving. it is very freeing.
    Hang in there and good luck with frad school applications.

  2. OK crazy lady, but if you don't mind I'd like to hold onto that little bit of hope for you, while you go about your buzniss of being crazy lady pretending sanity. Please?
    So, now that I'm holding it for you, just get on with stuff, hey ;) x

  3. If you are going to be a proper crazy lady, you'd better stock up on cats. Lots of 'em. Start your collection now.

    Go for the masters! I say, do it. It'll give you a goal that's under your control to focus on, which is a good thing. Although, the nudity and knives might be interesting, too.

    Sorry about the poas. It's a mindfuck.

  4. I think the masters is a great idea, and finding one that fits your circumstances (i.e, not 60,000 words) and which will allow you a career is a smart move. On the crazy front, I think that once you've been here for any amount of time it is almost impossible to retreat to the side of sanity. Evil HPT's. How I hate them.

  5. I am glad you are back.

    I find it hard to imagine you at a loss for words. You are a talented writer.

    POAS. An unsolicited POAS. The most painful of the mofos, if you ask me.

  6. That story (about the bar-fighting, vagina-less mom) is absolutely amazing! It would be incredibly funny if it weren't so bitterly ironic.

    Well, yeah, if she could do it, then certainly anyone could. I'm definitely holding out for your 'miracle baby', but in the meantime I do hope that you are able to successfully overcome the (horrific, awful) ttc schedule...

    It is hard for me to imagine how you must feel right now, as you end the IVF road, but I can only imagine that things will get better. It does sound very miserable in the meantime, and if you MUST stock up on cats in response to it all, I support you. :)

    Seriously, I admire your strength. You are getting through this rough time!

  7. Hey, one HPT does not make you crazy. The chances are remote, but until you hit menopause they aren't totally zero.

    Y'know, you could just plan to do a HPT every month as a kind of ritual. That way you won't have to decide every month whether to do it or not. Just do it and get it over with.

    Hope your education plans come together in a way that's exciting to you!

  8. Many hugs, crazylina!!

    I think you should choose to do your Master's in a course that interests you and not one that is done by judging the thesis length. If you like it, you will be able to do it.

    And the baby thing and the weird pregnancies....I am amazed at how mismatched God's pointer is to some of the arrays!


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