Tuesday, December 29, 2009

2009 can just fuck off

So there.

The Big Guy says that title is a bit naughty.

I say, who the fuck cares ... I'm not pregnant, my thesis isn't finished and my doctor told me to give up trying to conceive. And my grandfather died. 2009 can go and jump in a lake.

I've been blog-surfing tonight, as you do, when you've managed to follow yet another person who's knocked up the moment you sign up for their blog (congratulations Veronica) and you're looking for new reading material. Preferably non-fertility related reading material thankyouverymuch. So I jumped around through blog lists 'til I landed here and I liked her stuff.

I made TBG find De66ieD0esD@ll@s for me the other day. I wanted to finally see what had made the boys of my youth talk so furtively and what Debbie had actually done. All these years, I'd thought Debbie did an entire football team - the Cowboys - but it turns out that Debbie barely did anyone. Eventually, at the very end, she did her boss ("I eat my Weeties!" says he).  What I discovered whilst fast-forwarding through most of the movie was that 70's women had boobs in all shapes and sizes, everyone had pubic hair and in that movie lies one of the funniest lines in movie history.

One of Debbie's friends works in a library and her boyfriend has not had any action from her for a while so he convinces her to perform an act on him in the stacks at the library. Shortly after beginning, she gags a little and ever-so-smoothly the boyfriend says "Don't choke baby... stay alive." I laughed and laughed and laughed. It is completely worth watching the movie just to see bad-70's-p.orn-guy being so caring.

Now TBG just has to say "...don't choke baby" and I'm in fits of giggles all over again.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009


As if it could be anything else.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Go see Avatar in 3D

If people only read my title then I will have written enough.

Oh my god. Avatar was phantasmagorical. A feast for my eyes and a journey for my soul. A glimpse of a future and of another world like nothing I've ever seen before. I've only ever seen worlds like this inside my own imagination whilst reading fabulous books (Grass, Ender's Game, The Dragonriders of Pern). By the way, do go and read those books if you haven't already.

The story was relatively simplistic, but the telling - oh the telling was wonderful. The story, in the end is just a vehicle and it does a great job of carrying the imagery forward for us. What the movie should be seen for is it's extraordinarily complex three-dimensional effects. We left the theatre, the Big Guy and I, wishing we could be Na'vi - bounding through the trees, flying on Ikran, listening to the Tree of Souls. We wanted to go back in to the theatre and see it again immediately just to examine the rest of the screen instead of always being focussed on the main thread in any scene.

Awesome, in the truest sense of the word.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Christmas Hope

We has it.

The other day I went shopping for an ornament to give as a gift to a sweet friend of mine and I found three Christmas words - Peace, Joy and Hope.  I bought Joy for my friend and, even though we have way too many ornaments already, I bought Hope for us. Which was surprisingly similar to what happened when Eileen and her DH went shopping. I hung Hope on our tree and I've spent far too long gazing at it wondering if I will show it to our baby next Christmas and say "that's your first Christmas ornament - just especially for you" ... or if I will be unpacking it next Christmas wistfully and sadly instead.

I wonder if all of us in the IF community have Hope strung up on our trees. If not the word itself, then the feeling - wrapped around the Christmas tree and all muddled up with Christmas Spirit. The hope that this will be the last Christmas without that family member we're trying for.

This time I have told everyone, and I mean everyone, about our embryo transfer and our testing date. I want all the positive thoughts, prayers, sticky vibes and good wishes we can get. I hope it helps.

Today I am 4dp2dt and I have been a bit crampy since Sunday. I think it's because of the Pregnyl-induced progesterone rise I must be having. If all is going well then Twinkle and Blobby (or at least one of them) have/has successfully hatched and are/is preparing to implant into my uterine lining.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Show and Tell - T & B

My Show and Tell for this week is these two little miracles. Twinkle and the oh-so-aptly-named Blobby. My transfer went ahead at 10:30am this morning after two days of agonising anxiety.

Twinkle is a lovely looking 4-cell. Blobby, a 'grotty looking' 3-cell.  But Dr Mac did say that he knows of lots of grotty embryos that turned into healthy babies.

The Big Guy and I are amazed that we made it this far and we are praying with all we've got that the blood test on Christmas Eve reveals a healthy looking beta.

More weird numbers from me ... This was my 4th stim cycle, my 3rd pickup, 2nd transfer and ... I want 1 baby who would be tBG's and my 1st biological child, but my 2nd, his 3rd and our 4th altogether. 4-3-2-1-2-3-4.

Go check out what the rest of the gang are showing over at Mel's.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009


Dr Mac found 3 eggs!!!!! He kindly wrote it on my hand so when I woke up in recovery I knew immediately and I didn't spend all my recovery time crying.



Today is 09-12-09 - all numbers are divisible by three.
The pick-up was done on the third floor.
The Big Guy bought me 3 different lovely chocolates.

This is my 3rd pick-up.

Maybe 3 will be lucky for me. Dare I hope so?

Tomorrow the nurse will call me and tell me if we have a transfer time for Friday. More waiting, more good thoughts and prayers needed please.

Thank you all so much for your love and support.

PS. this is post number one hundred and ... three.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Prayers, good vibes - send them to me please

I went for a repeat scan on Monday.

Right ovary had a 22mm follicle - nice growth over the four days.
Left ovary had a 22mm follicle - where the hell did that come from? - and two <10mm follies. Dr Mac thinks the big one might be a cyst because it's exhibited unusual follicle dynamics. He says that's what happens with menopause. But I'm only 37 for Christ's sake.

Anyway, I triggered on Monday, pickup in is 9 hours (8am Wednesday morning) and I really need your prayers and good thoughts.

Dr Mac continues to suggest ceasing IVF after this cycle. He's diagnosed premature menopause, said I'd have poor outcomes from continued assisted conception and it would be very expensive.

I am scared and I don't want to move on. I don't want to give up on this dream. I don't know how.

For now, I am praying like crazy that there is ONE healthy egg inside me that makes ONE healthy embryo that grows into ONE healthy baby that I birth next September. 


Friday, December 4, 2009

Dead horses

3 follicles today. 1x14mm (that's the good one), 1x10mm and 1x<10mm.

He wants to do the pick up mid next week and he says to only expect 1 egg. I am completely devastated at this news and I don't understand why my body is letting me down so badly - things have just gotten worse and worse each time I cycle.

After this cycle I think we will be giving up - there's no point flogging a dead horse.

Dr Mac also said that DHEA was useless, L-arginine disproven, growth hormone too dangerous and that all the alternative therapies are flapping around the edges trying to influence that which cannot really be influenced - the antral follicle count. He did say that he'd do an oestrogen priming protocol if I wished it, but that he doesn't think that it's going to do much good. That the clinics in the US using this protocol are relying on case studies and small patient numbers and that only a large scale study would really demonstrate efficacy.

Blah. I feel like shit. And I think I'm supposed to be trying to be hopeful still. But like I said the the Big Guy, I don't know how to be hopeful any more.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Cheating on Louis Theroux

That's what I did last night. I cheated on Louis Theroux on our 6th anniversary. I had phantasmagorically wonderful s.e.x. with some devilish guy, not caring one whit that I was married to poor Louis. Poor, poor Louis. He was listening at the window the whole time and when I emerged from the den of iniquity he was there to greet me and tell me he'd heard everything and that we should break up.

WTF. A naughty dream (oh yes, it was naughty) and a guilt dream all mixed together with a fantasy dream. My sleeping brain sure is busy. And there's a secret in there that I wasn't fully aware of myself - I think Louis Theroux is cute and I would do him. Apparently dream-me doesn't particularly respect him though.

And so the dreams have begun, hopefully they'll stay tame like that one and not send me into the depths of zombies-eating-your-face horror. My first scan is on Friday after 5 days of stimming and I'm feeling nervous.

On Saturday, before we went to collect the script and the drugs, I had a complete OTT meltdown at my dear Big Guy. He did something I ought to have taken in my stride but instead I erupted into a raging lunatic. Literally. And I realised, after I was done screaming and was merely sobbing on his shoulder, that I'm terrified. Completely terrified. Not of the needles, not of the procedures, I'm scared of the downs. Those downs are so so low and it's taking me longer each time to recombobulate.

This is my 4th stimulated cycle in the last 6 months. That's a lot of hormone adjustment and dealing with failure and disappointment. I hope, with the teeny tiny bit of hope I have left, that this cycle is the one that gets me pregnant.