Cheating on Louis Theroux

That's what I did last night. I cheated on Louis Theroux on our 6th anniversary. I had phantasmagorically wonderful s.e.x. with some devilish guy, not caring one whit that I was married to poor Louis. Poor, poor Louis. He was listening at the window the whole time and when I emerged from the den of iniquity he was there to greet me and tell me he'd heard everything and that we should break up.

WTF. A naughty dream (oh yes, it was naughty) and a guilt dream all mixed together with a fantasy dream. My sleeping brain sure is busy. And there's a secret in there that I wasn't fully aware of myself - I think Louis Theroux is cute and I would do him. Apparently dream-me doesn't particularly respect him though.

And so the dreams have begun, hopefully they'll stay tame like that one and not send me into the depths of zombies-eating-your-face horror. My first scan is on Friday after 5 days of stimming and I'm feeling nervous.

On Saturday, before we went to collect the script and the drugs, I had a complete OTT meltdown at my dear Big Guy. He did something I ought to have taken in my stride but instead I erupted into a raging lunatic. Literally. And I realised, after I was done screaming and was merely sobbing on his shoulder, that I'm terrified. Completely terrified. Not of the needles, not of the procedures, I'm scared of the downs. Those downs are so so low and it's taking me longer each time to recombobulate.

This is my 4th stimulated cycle in the last 6 months. That's a lot of hormone adjustment and dealing with failure and disappointment. I hope, with the teeny tiny bit of hope I have left, that this cycle is the one that gets me pregnant.