Anxiety sucks balls

I took myself in for the look-see and the scan today and the news was good and bad.

First, I had to tell Doctor Patience what he had to do, not sure why he didn't read the notes but anyway I told him. In fact I was probably a little loose lipped about the whole thing because I had doped myself up on Valium before getting there so I could cope with the speculum.

Then I sent him to look for a small-sized speculum because there is no way in hell that anyone is sticking one of those monster speculums in me and then racheting it open a few cms.

No way Jose. My hootchie is a teeny tiny tight one. He dutifully found a child-sized speccy and then I handed him the bottle of vegetable oil and loudly proclaimed that there was no way I was allowing him to use the hideous lube in me either. Ouchy-wa-wa.

Poor ol' Doctor Patience must have thought I was a complete bossy nutter. Oh, that's right, I WAS!

The going in of the speccy wasn't too bad (thankyou Crisco) but the opening! My gosh did I yell. Three times and then I breathed deeply and thought of labour. Oh, the horror of it all. He told me there was no bleeding from my cervix and not to worry about the bloody-streaked mucus at all. Good.

Then I said hello to the d.ildo cam and again bossily instructed Dr Patience to use the oil and not the lube and to aim downwards - thankfully that didn't hurt at all going in. So he looks for follies. And he looks some more. He twists and turns and pokes that d.ildo around and eventually locates my left ovary which has a grand total of two 10mm follies (maybe a 3rd, he wasn't particularly intersted in caring about that one). Then more poking etcetera follows and finally he finds my poor little empty right ovary. Yep - empty. No follies.

So for 5 days of G.onal-F I have 2 follicles. Maybe 3. I was so disappointed.

I asked a gazillion questions, most of which he replied to by saying "it's early days yet". Infuriating much? Finally I asked if we could up my dose of G.onal-F and he agreed saying he didn't think I was at risk of OHSS.

OHSS??? OHSS???? I am at risk of under-bloody-stimulation thanks very much.

Upshot of the appointment is 300units of G.onal-F from tonight onwards, another scan on Thursday morning (before I hotfoot it down the road to the vulva clinic) and then "probably triggering on the weekend for a Monday or Tuesday EPU".

And I'd drugged myself up so thoroughly on Valium that I was very dopey in the car on the way home and then went to bed for the rest of the day to sleep it off. Now I'm just pissed off with my body.