Friday, June 25, 2010


Yes siree.

I am indeed.

Goodbye assisted conception - you drained our savings for NOTHING.

When I did my 'current status' sidebar tally, I thought to myself "what the fuck were you thinking Pundy? You are a super-freak and a moron all at the same time." In all my time in the blogosphere and trawling through Dr Google I have never come across anyone as poor at egg-making yet try-try-trying as me. Super-dooper-freak.

So Sunday was pretty fucking awful as you can imagine. All that sunshine, lollipops, rainbows and blah blah blah turned dark in an instant. In the time it took to hear my phone ring once and see a number I didn't recognise which meant it was a doctor calling right before we were about to leave the house (literally right before) to tell us not to bother. Luckily I'd just taken two val.ium and a pana.diene forte (my back had seized, fibromyalgia sucks balls).

So I listened.

"Oh No."

"No, that's it's for us, I don't want to make another appointment, Dr McB told us not to bother this time anyway."

"No , I don't want an appointment with the counsellor."

"Thanks. Bye."

And I trotted back to bed, downcast and numbnumbnumb and lay in bed and sniffed my Special Blanket (yes I have a blankie, I don't care how lame that is, I had a pretty fucking traumatic childhood, adolescence and early twenties, the blankie helps me feel safe.  If you're lucky sometime I'll take a picture and show you the awesomeness of Special Blankie.)

The Big Guy, my darling, my sweet, my everlastingly wonderful and gorgeous husband, followed me back to bed, curled up behind me and stroked my back quietly 'til I fell back to sleep. Four hours later I woke up crying and then I went and collected my 7 year old son from his fuckwit of a father.

  • The Little Guy. He rocks. I got to experience being pregnant and it was wonderful. I hope all of you out there that have never had this, do get it.  It's amazing to grow a person. If I didn't have him I would honestly be suicidal. All my life I was afraid of infertility and desperate to be pregnant. Thank God he happened.
  • My husband - he is amazing. I really do not have the words to express his spectacular awesomeness. And if I had to choose between having a baby and having that man, I would choose him every time. Every single time. Even if I didn't have the Little Guy. He is my match, my yang, my fit, my best, my love. Without him, I would founder. And to endure 5 incredibly fucked up IVF cycles with him beside me has been astounding.  He has never let me down. Ever.
  • On Monday, I found out that I now have a Bachelor of Behavioural Neuroscience with first-class Psychology Honours. I grieved for my beautiful Gramps and did IVF all through that fucking research project year and I still excelled. Yay me.
  • Wine, Val.ium, Cod.eine and Fen.tanyl. And chocolate and Osso Bucco and Three Cheese Risotto.

  • I did not get pregnant. No baby for me.
  • We wasted a lot of money.
  • I took a drug that made my already thin hair fall out in clumps and gave me neck-ne and back-ne, thanks for nothing DHEA.
  • I proved my desperation to a heap of random medical professionals.
  • I cried buckets and made my eyes sore and my eyelashes thin out.
  • I'm still in faint-chance-limbo.  I still ovulate, tBG has sperm, until I stop having periods there will always be a tiny hope that we could achieve pregnancy. So I get to spend the rest of peri-menopause ever-so-slightly-stupidly-hopeful. That's surely a level of hell.
  • I will never get to have a family that has a Mum and a Dad and a Child and they all stay together. I didn't have that as a child, my child does not have that and now, I will never ever have that. The Big Guy was my chance. I will be by his side as I die ('cause I better fucking die first, I couldn't bear it the other way round) and so if we had had a child together, a child of our own, I would have gotten to experience that togetherness, that FAMILY. And maybe healed some of my own screwed-up-child-self-who-lives-inside-and-cries-for-her-Daddy.
  • I don't get to see what wonderful person tBG and I would have made. Where is that dark-haired, clever little baby?
* Editing to add (FCFU = First Class Fucked Up) and I don't usually swear quite so much.


    1. Oh, Pundy, it's dark days for both of us:( But I am GLAD that there is so much that is on your "Things That Don't Suck" List, even as there are plenty of things that Suck Beyond All Reckoning. To hell with DHEA. Bring on the wine. And, yeah, hope is likely never to die. Ever. And this IS surely a circle of hell. A special one, just for us. (But we DO hope, don't we, silly things that we are?).

      You've juggled a whole hell of a lot at once (fibromyalgia!?!?). But I'm glad you have TLG and TBG. And, congratulations, Ms. Bachelor of Behavioural Neuroscience. You stayed upright through some terrible storms.

    2. I'm sobbing here. While my heart was already seriously broken for you, those last two bullet points really did me in. The anguish you must be feeling...There are no words to express how sorry I am. As Adele says, there's ample evidence of your amazing strength. I know it will carry you through this, but I also know I have no right to say that... There are a lot of people thinking of you right now and grieving for you.

    3. My heart breaks for you. I hope you continue to feel supported by your son and husband. sending love your way.

    4. I'm so sorry. I have been thinking about you and our similarness. (Just to add one more, I lost a ton of hair last year. It royally sucked, more than I would have ever imagined)

      The one thing I look forward to regardless what happens for me in the next year is to be done trying. I will be able to pursue things I enjoy on the non TTC/Baby front. I hope your grief passes quickly, or at least sooner than you expect.

      I am truly amazed at what you withstood the past year(s). You are one tough woman.


    5. I will often say that I am lucky in love, and it does seem that you have a jackpot. I am in tears for that happy unit of family, and I know that deep longing for a normal family to make up for sucky childhood.

      A lot doesn't even come close to summing up what you've been through. I am just sorry, dear. My thoughts are with you.

    6. I am really sorry to hear that. But I am so glad for you that you were able to lift your head form the haze and list so many wonderful positives, and first no less.

      Life really does seem unfair sometimes, I'm sorry this hasn't worked out for you xox

    7. Oh Pundy I am so very sad for you. :( I really understand where you are coming from with wanting a family of your own that stays together.

      I am glad you found some positives to focus on. congrats on your Bach with Honours. You should be very proud. I think it's time for a celebratory bottle of sangiovese and three-cheese risotto with TBG.

    8. Oh yes!!! Thanks Andie (blush) for reminding me, how totally remiss of me not to congratualte you on finishing your studies, that is totally awesome. That you managed to do it though all that rollercoaster riding is nothing short of amazing. Well done you!

    9. So sorry, Pundie. You have been through the ringer and back again. That is a great list of "things that don't suck". :) Many admirable accomplishments and love! Keeping you in my thoughts.

    10. I'm so happy you included a list of your amazing accomplishments, and the wonderful family you have in your life today. I, of course, wish beyond all measure that you could make that a family +1 on your own terms, but you have truly gone to the ends of earth to give it your all. I'll keep my fingers crossed (quietly, in the background somewhere) that you achieve urban legend status.

    11. My dear Pundelina...I'm so sorry that this is all so awful and so hard and so unfair...You are very brave and strong to be able to focus on the positives at a time like this.

      I know what you mean about the "new level of hell" and at the same time I really do hope that you do try naturally for a while longer - as Dr. Lovely says, the chances are just as good a lot of the time...and if you live anywhere remotely close to this place in Australia, I hope you can go for a swim in this "fertility water" - it worked for Nicole Kidman and if I could afford the flight I would go without hesitation!,2933,426941,00.html

      Take care of yourself, sweetie...My mom has fibromyalgia so I understand how frustrating it can be.



    12. Oh Pundelina, My heart aches while reading your pain in this post. Its so fucking unfair. After everything you've been through and sacrificed there should be a reward at the end.
      Your list of positives is definitely something to be proud of and I feel humbled by your ability to achieve first class honours in your Bachelor of Behavioural Neuroscience whilst trudging through this hell. You are very strong and I hope more good things come in the future. xx

    13. It's an awful and hard decision to have to make - to not continue. I find I waffle daily, although I know what every outcome of 'trying' would be. It's not a place anyone should ever be, and yet. And yet. Here we are.

    14. I'm so, so sorry. If anyone "deserves" a wonderful pregnancy and a lovely child, it's you. Here's wishing you peace in this dark time.

    15. I'm so sorry :(. This shit is definitely not fair...not fair at all.

    16. Stopping by from LFCA. I am so sorry. I totally know the grief you are feeling. While I didn't do that many iVF cycles, I failed at it twice and am now done with treatments. Words don't even begin to describe the grief I felt in those first days following "the phone call." To say it sucked would be a massive understatement. You aren't alone in what you are going through.

      I hope you are able to grieve and find peace in everything. I'll be thinking of you.

      Take care.

    17. Oh bugger. I am so sorry it has crashed and burned like this. Take care.

    18. HI, I'm here from the roundup.
      It's hard coming on days like that, you don't know me and here I am on a very traumatic week.

      BUT, I can say I'm so sorry. For all of it, for the unfairness and the "FUCK IT" of all of it.

      while I don't know exactly how you feel, infertility has left such a scar on me that even having my twins doesn't take that away.

      and I was diagnosed with complex migraines and fibro after I had the babies, so I know all about the never ending PAIN of that too...and the All healing LOVE of a husband that is there to be like a nice sauve on your soul.

      if it's ok, I'd like to stay and read some more...and be here if you need to vent or cry or just talk it all out.

      I"m so sorry.

    19. Pundy, I just made my way to your blog via Stirrup Queens. I'm so sorry to hear about your latest attempt. I know the anguish of not seeing your dreams fulfilled. I'm so sorry. Your last sentence on your post... I have cried the same thing for almost 2 years now. Ever since my diagnosis POF. Perimenopause sucks big @ss!!! thinking of you!

    20. Here from the roundup. I'm so very sorry that you have been through so much and have to move forward without your dark-haired, clever little one. I am wishing you peace and the healing you need.

    21. Oh damn, I am so, so sorry that you've reached this fork in the road.

      You are so not a freak or a moron - you're just living in hope like all of us do. I mean, you managed to graduate and handle so many things at one time. You're amazing. Maybe now you can at least rest and hug yourself for a while. You've been through so much. Lots and lots of hugs.

    22. Congratulations on your degree...

      I am sad about it...and yes it truly is first class fucked up.

      I am not sure about what I should aay...cling to hope? Despair is expected? It is so hard.

      I wish you did have the chance of haing the family with the love of your life.

    23. I haven't popped in for so long and here you are at the end of the road. I am also. I am sorry you didn't get your dream but you will never regret not trying. Hindsight's pretty good at making us feel we made the wrong decisions but if you had taken a different path you would always have wondered 'what if?' Congrats on your degree and here's to 'the passing of time numbing the pain'. Your "things that don't suck" list is pretty fabulous after all. Appy xxx

    24. Oh, I'm so very sorry to hear this. I can't even begin to understand what you've been through.
      But thanks for sharing the "things that don't suck". They sound rather good indeed.
      Thinking of you.

    25. I'm so sorry.... God, this sucks. I do think you are so lucky to have the big guy and the little guy... although i know how desperately you wanted a little one with your big guy, and I'm just so so sorry that that is looking less possible right now. And that you're in for circling that hellish circle of hell for the time being... I think endlessly ttc must be the INNER circle. And I'm just so sorry that you're there. Don't skimp on the wine...

    26. Oh! We are on the verge of making this same decision. I hope we can do it with as much grace and gratitude for what we have as you and yours have done.

    27. I haven't been by for a while. I always felt like a personal jinx for some reason so stayed away (because obviously aside from not relaxing hard enough, the only thing stopping you getting UTD was my visiting).

      I'm sorry. Someone as awesome as you deserves to make curly dark haired uber genii. It's not fair.

    28. I am really sorry about what you have been through. I hope that you will continue to dwell on the positives. I have been through a phase when I also doubted if I will ever be a parent. It's hard, and I'm sending you lots of love your way.


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