Extensions aweigh

A'weighing on my heart.

I'm supposed to be doing my Honours project this year. But between the death of my beloved Grampies and the heartbreak and hormonal flux of infertility and treatments for same I have not been doing much.

All my data is collected and I have a half a lit review but on the 29th of July I saw that I could still withdraw from the project (until the 3rd of August) without a fail on my record and I brightened. My supervisor didn't think that was a good idea though, she thought it would be better if I applied for an extension and so I let the 3rd go by without withdrawing and today I had a meeting with my supervisor (who is one of the most beautiful people I know) and the honours coordinator (also a beautiful person). And they were so kind to me and understanding and supportive while I was nervous and anxiety-sick and crying. My supervisor knows everything that's happened so far and the meeting was to present my case to the coordinator. So I spent the morning relating the awfulness that this year has been. And I felt like complete crap doing so and have spent the rest of the day fighting back tears and feeling generally shite. I've spent as much time as possible in bed since last Friday. Sleeping and hiding and hurting.

Over the past 8 years lots of shit has gone down in my life and through it all I've managed to stay on track with my studies. I have had a baby, a crazy relationship, moved house 5 times, disentangled from my crazy ex and done the consent orders thing with him, met my DH, gotten married and blended our families and survived it all. Survived while getting an A average in a Behavioural Neuroscience degree and making it into psychology honours.

But this year, with the grief and the conception problems, I have not managed. And for me that feels dreadful. I thought I would be ok, I thought I could manage it all. But I haven't and I'm not and I don't even want to -> motivation = 0. I am a slug slowly oozing through the mess of life with as little effort as possible and leaving a big slimy trail of tears and snot behind me. So I have been granted an extension and I now need to document the mess and try to plan out a timetable of milestones to show that I can actually finish the project. Blerck. I don't even want to do that.


And I am feeling weird about discussing my pain.

There are distinctly different types of trying to conceive grief and that they ought not be confused or thought to be at all comparative. I frequent an assisted conception area on the internet and there's a 'comparing griefs' vibe there sometimes. I want to write down my thoughts on this - my thoughts as a person who has had a child but is facing the prospect of not having a child with my husband (in no particular order).

1. BFN-grief ... All of us get this grief, it's the generic one-size-fits-all sadness that strikes us down with every sad peestick and every drop of blood that ought not be. This is a particularly sucky painfully acute grief that strikes sharply and then dissipates as the hope of the next cycle takes hold. Because we all get hopeful in our heart-of-hearts. Even the cynics.

2. I-may-not-ever-have-a-child-grief ... This grief belongs only to those who have never had a child and are scared about it never happening. It's huge and terrible and encompasses more than feelings about children, it swallows up feelings about living and leaving things behind and passing things on and traditions broken. It's a chronic, relentless grief and is only assuaged by parenthood.

3. I-may-not-have-a-child-with-this man/woman ... This is a unique grief for those of us who have had a child with one partner but are having problems TTCing with a current partner. This is a totally different pain than the other two. And it deserves a special mention within the bounds of secondary infertility.

4. Dead-baby-grief ... the pain of due-dates that ought to be but weren't, of dirth dates, of conception dates, of discovered-misses. Never assuaged, hole-in-the heart grief.

5. Our-family-isn't-finished grief ... this is the grief you get when you've had a child or children but it feels like someone is missing from your family. Someone who is definitely supposed to be there. This grief is tangible; it's the echo that the child-to-come leaves in your house following the others around. It's the stored baby clothes and cot, it's the maternity-wear all boxed up but stored for next time. This grief has it's own place and it is painful, just like the rest. And the children one does have don't make up for this grief - just like when your Dad dies, still having your Mum doesn't make the losing-Dad-pain any better.

These griefs are not the same and cannot be compared. They are completely different and ALL are grief. They should not be mistaken for each other and none of them ought to be dismissed. I see too much dismissing and too much competition. And that makes me sad.

Number 3 and number 5 are my griefs now. I have a child but not with the Big Guy. The child I have is fathered by someone I do not respect and do not really like very much. I fell pregnant because I was confused about where I was in my irregular cycle and I kept the Little Guy on board because abortion is not for me. I love the Little Guy completely and would be totally broken-hearted, torn at the seams without him. But now I find myself ensconced in a beautiful relationship with the man of my dreams. Our marriage is strong and healthy, I adore and respect this man and I deeply wish to have his baby. I want so much to have a child and stay with it's father. I want to experience a child with a man who actively wants one with me and who will be an active father. I want our child. And our child hasn't come yet and may not come at all, which kills me.