Thursday, August 6, 2009

I'm cry-y-ying

Actually I'm singing "I'm bleeding" to this tune. But it goes all wrong once I get to the next words "over you". 'Cause I'm just bleeding all over me.

Not so much of the crying today anyway. No bad dreams last night - actually quite a nice dream for me. I got kissed; magically, beautifully kissed by a young man whilst sitting at a table next to the Big Guy and some other random stranger. The Big Guy was not disturbed by this kiss in my dream and neither was I - though I knew I could not do it again and spent the rest of the dream avoiding the young man and, weirdly, showering in a scuba store.

Anyway, for the first time in a few weeks I woke up undisturbed by nightmares and that has made my day rather good. Despite the bleeding. I knew that it was coming and I don't even want to go for a repeat blood test tomorrow - do I have to? My tears dried last night on my pillow and I resolved to cry no more.

I wrote this to a friend and I'm copying it here to remind myself next month:
"I would have to say that the thing I did wrong was to try to squash my hope, that made me more miserable and less happy than I could have been. I didn't want to be hopeful in a thwarted attempt to be less disappointed if it all went pear-shaped. That was very stressful and I felt completely miserable. In the end I did get hopeful and (surprisingly) I'm ok with the pear-shapedness of this BFN. I'm disappointed and I cried and I'm sad but I'm ok IYKWIM. So I would advise letting go as much as you can (and having BTDT I know how hard that is). Take deep breaths every time you start to think too much and distract yourself from the circular nature of the thought patterns that assail you as much as possible."

Hey! September-Pundelina ... Listen to yourself !!!

We're off to Fiji on August 29th. Back on September 5th. If I manage to not get a period between now and the 5th then I'll be doing a September antagonist cycle. Hooray for short protocols. If I get my period again before the 4th then I'll have to wait til October. And I'm ok with that.

Having secured an extension, I have realised I actually do need to write this damned review and research report. So I shall.

I cleaned maniacally yesterday, the desk is tidy, the house is neat as a pin. I'm good to go and go I shall.

Thank you for the cyber-hugz and love - I appreciate it more than you could guess.

Editing to add - I went for the blood test today (Friday) and the nurse said I most likely had an embryo that tried to implant. She thought that the HCG level of 10 wouldn't have been the Pregnyl because it should have been gone 4 or 5 days past the booster. She also said that was good news. Kind of. Oh, and my crying resolve was a fail. Wet pillow again last night but no nightmares.


  1. Shit! This whole process can so screw with your mind. I'm in agreement about feelings (and that darned hope): you just have to feel them, as trying to not feel them just makes everything seem even worse. And preventing hope doesn't make the letdown any easier (or the success any less anxiety-inspiring).

    Have an amazing time on Fiji and I'll keep everything crossed that next cycle will be eggier.

  2. Eek, I'm sorry about the nightmares. Yuck. Yes: "listen to yourself" - awesome idea. I need to do that more.

  3. Have a wonderful vacation and hope that you get the R and R you need!

  4. here is another cyber hug. I wish this cycle had worked out different for you. Have a fantastic time in fiji (am jealous!), and I will continue to snoop for news your next cycle.

  5. I am so sorry. This journey sometimes just sucks.
    Have a great vacation!

  6. Mate. I'm so sorry. You sound pretty damn good, considering. Onward and upward-type-thing. Even though it must still hurt.

    Also, please tell me your address so I can come to your house and stowaway in your suitcase because I totally want to come to Fiji too. Thks heaps. XOXO


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