Prayers, good vibes - send them to me please

I went for a repeat scan on Monday.

Right ovary had a 22mm follicle - nice growth over the four days.
Left ovary had a 22mm follicle - where the hell did that come from? - and two <10mm follies. Dr Mac thinks the big one might be a cyst because it's exhibited unusual follicle dynamics. He says that's what happens with menopause. But I'm only 37 for Christ's sake.

Anyway, I triggered on Monday, pickup in is 9 hours (8am Wednesday morning) and I really need your prayers and good thoughts.

Dr Mac continues to suggest ceasing IVF after this cycle. He's diagnosed premature menopause, said I'd have poor outcomes from continued assisted conception and it would be very expensive.

I am scared and I don't want to move on. I don't want to give up on this dream. I don't know how.

For now, I am praying like crazy that there is ONE healthy egg inside me that makes ONE healthy embryo that grows into ONE healthy baby that I birth next September. 

Please.

Dead horses

3 follicles today. 1x14mm (that's the good one), 1x10mm and 1x<10mm.

He wants to do the pick up mid next week and he says to only expect 1 egg. I am completely devastated at this news and I don't understand why my body is letting me down so badly - things have just gotten worse and worse each time I cycle.

After this cycle I think we will be giving up - there's no point flogging a dead horse.

Dr Mac also said that DHEA was useless, L-arginine disproven, growth hormone too dangerous and that all the alternative therapies are flapping around the edges trying to influence that which cannot really be influenced - the antral follicle count. He did say that he'd do an oestrogen priming protocol if I wished it, but that he doesn't think that it's going to do much good. That the clinics in the US using this protocol are relying on case studies and small patient numbers and that only a large scale study would really demonstrate efficacy.

Blah. I feel like shit. And I think I'm supposed to be trying to be hopeful still. But like I said the the Big Guy, I don't know how to be hopeful any more.

Cheating on Louis Theroux

That's what I did last night. I cheated on Louis Theroux on our 6th anniversary. I had phantasmagorically wonderful s.e.x. with some devilish guy, not caring one whit that I was married to poor Louis. Poor, poor Louis. He was listening at the window the whole time and when I emerged from the den of iniquity he was there to greet me and tell me he'd heard everything and that we should break up.

WTF. A naughty dream (oh yes, it was naughty) and a guilt dream all mixed together with a fantasy dream. My sleeping brain sure is busy. And there's a secret in there that I wasn't fully aware of myself - I think Louis Theroux is cute and I would do him. Apparently dream-me doesn't particularly respect him though.

And so the dreams have begun, hopefully they'll stay tame like that one and not send me into the depths of zombies-eating-your-face horror. My first scan is on Friday after 5 days of stimming and I'm feeling nervous.

On Saturday, before we went to collect the script and the drugs, I had a complete OTT meltdown at my dear Big Guy. He did something I ought to have taken in my stride but instead I erupted into a raging lunatic. Literally. And I realised, after I was done screaming and was merely sobbing on his shoulder, that I'm terrified. Completely terrified. Not of the needles, not of the procedures, I'm scared of the downs. Those downs are so so low and it's taking me longer each time to recombobulate.

This is my 4th stimulated cycle in the last 6 months. That's a lot of hormone adjustment and dealing with failure and disappointment. I hope, with the teeny tiny bit of hope I have left, that this cycle is the one that gets me pregnant.

Urban legend FAIL

Bien sûr!

Brownish CM this morning, blood this evening. I called the clinic and was told that tomorrow will be classed as Day 1. So I shall call again tomorrow and find out what Dr Mac has in store for me.

The nurse tried to tell me that lots of people were trying to fit in a cycle before the end of the year and they all get put on a list and looked at to see who can and cannot do a cycle so that they don't overload with numbers of patients. I say 'tried to tell me' because as soon as she said it I replied that I WOULD be doing a cycle because it was offered specially by Dr Mac. Then I thought I should probably take a deep breath and shut up. There were no orders in the system for me so they have to talk to him tomorrow and find out what he wants me to do.

I shall try not to google anything this time and to stay a bit detached. Ha!

In other news, my honours supervisor is happy with me at the moment and so am I. I handed in the first draft of the literature review and then floored her by showing her my 3/4 complete data file (almost ready for analysis). I have made some progress and have met my milestones so far which delights both of us.

TBG's ex-wife dislikes me and tries to ignore me and today she sent an email to tBG asking that I not have contact with the Middle Guy's school (he is starting secondary school close to us in 2010). I have run 2 errands for tBG to go to school during school hours when asked and apparently she does not like this. My errands so far have involved collecting a folder of information and buying some second-hand clothing. Life-shattering.

I don't understand why she is so threatened by me and she can go and get fucked with her request that I not have contact with the school - she "would prefer that any day-to-day contact with the school was with tMG's parents". I am his parent too and her request is absurd.

Thank you for your lovely comments regarding the drawers, we love them and every night when tBG goes to bed he says "I love our bedroom". So sweet! (He thinks I've made him sound ghey, but really he just sounds happy with the new furniture.)

We did this

TBG took me shopping yesterday - to Ikea. I have a not-so-secret Ikea fetish (it goes along nicely with my stationery and hardware fetishes) and I like to wander around the store playing with all their stuff and briefly living in their weird little apartments. I particularly like this blue and white one they've got going on at the moment. It has a lovely, though incredibly uncomfortable, navy blue couch with pale blue and white furnishings. But I digress.




We have lived in this house for 2 years and for 2 years we have dithered around not getting a new chest of drawers. We got an enormous, fantabulous bed with a splendiferous mattress that makes all other beds feel like rocks, lovely bed covers and blankies. But the rest of the room was a mish-mash. I had a raw pine chest of drawers that I'd rescued from a neighbours' hard rubbish pile six years ago. They'd thrown it out because it was wobbly, falling apart and poorly made in the first place. But I gave it a home and made do. When we bought the new bed I decided that the old chest of drawers looked yukky (it did) and we attempted to paint it. But we don't have a good painting space and instead of a pristine white piece of furniture we got a tallboy complete with paint-embedded dust, hair and teeny tiny bugs. So then I squashed all my stuff in other places and we talked about getting a new chest one day.



Apparently Sunday was the day. We hit Ikea on a whim, bought the second cheapest bits of Swedish crapola we could find and I had the brilliant idea of inserting fabric behind the tacky plastic panels and ... ta-daaaa ...

We now have a new chest of drawers and two new bedside tables too. And I am so pleased with the results! The fabric I chose matches the bedspread perfectly and it's all luver-lelly.


The old bedside tables we had were hard rubbish too. In case you haven't guessed, I have a not-so-secret hard rubbish fetish as well. I am indeed a Rat. What do they say - reduce, reuse, recycle. I happily do all that.

 As for the other stuff (you know, the hideous horrid stuff) my period is due sometime after Tuesday. I'm not sure when exactly because of the double ovulation and the uncertain timing of the second egg's release. No one can tell me if my luteal phase will be ruled by the first egg's eruption (in which case my period is due Tues/Wed) or by the second egg (in which case my period is due anywhere from Thurs to Sat).

Mostly I'm not hopeful but there's this dumb little part of me that says "oooh maybe you could be pregnant, you had two eggs, you had s.ex, maybe maybe maybe..." The rest of me wants to beat that silly-me over the head with a rock and make her shut-up cause she's always wrong and listening to her hurts.

I sound like a complete crazy woman and I am. I've spent the last week miserable and sad and having nightmares every night and I don't think that the broken awful sleep helps my mood at all.


But anyhoo ... Retail therapy worked some - aren't the drawers gorgeous???

Show and Tell - The best salad dressing E-V-A-H

I have lost myself lately. The stress of these repeated failures, these 3 ICSI cycles of doom have taken their toll on me and I realised the other day that my poor blog has turned into a repository of sadness. Almost completely. The odd post here or there reflects more than the infertility issues, but they are few and far between.

So. I have resolved to try to write a non-infertility-related post every time I write an infertility-related post and I'm starting with something delicious. And I'm tagging into Show and Tell (go see what everyone else is showing too).

This salad dressing is seriously the absolute, most fantastic dressing in the universe. If awesome had dressing on it, it would be this dressing. Oh, and it's crazy simple too. Without further ado I present ...

Punde's Perfect P'salad P'dressing

Equal parts

• lemon juice
• balsamic vinegar
  
• soy sauce
• sesame oil
• Half again as much honey than the other ingredients

So if you made a little serving, just for two, you'd use 1 tsp of the first four and 1.5 tsp of the honey. The dressing is sweet, salty, tangy and smooth all at once and you must must must only use the queen of oils in it.
Mix it all together and serve with salad. Any salad.

We particularly like this salad ...

A big bowl full of baby spinach leaves
15 bite-sized chunks of roast pumpkin (no skin)
Red capsicum slices
Cucumber slices
Sugar-snap peas
A handful of cashews

Layer, toss, whatever. Then dress it right before eating and you will think you have gone to salad heaven. The Big Guy used to dislike salad, but now he eats it 3 or times a week very happily as long as it has a dash of the fantabulous dressing on it.

As an aside, I am amazed. Astounded even.

Apparently the universe is on my side - I am not even allowed to accidentally stumble into infertility. I went to find an alliterative synonym for dressing that started with 'P' 'cause I like that kind of thing and I landed at synonym.net. This is what they had to offer ... who knew fecundation or fertilisation were synonyms for dressing! Ha. I won't be going there again - FAIL synonym.net!

In which doctors prove fallible.

I got cramps yesterday which continued through last night (and still today). At first I thought "ooooh, maybe my ovaries are growing more follicles!" And then I thought, "but hang on these cramps feel an awful lot like ovulation." The Big Guy suggested doing an OPK to see if there was a surge, lo and behold two glaring pink lines on the pee-stick. So then I cried and cried and cried some more (I'm getting rather sick of crying akshully). TBG and I agreed we should probably make lerv because of that stupid +OPK so as not to waste the chance. That resulted in more tears.

When I woke up this morning it was with a pit of anxiety in my stomach, a heavy heavy heart and sore eyes.

Now I am all grrrrrrr at my clinic.

I went back for the repeat scan today with my +OPK in hand only to find that my 11mm follie (on the left) was now a 21mm follie. Ummm, no ... that's not possible! Oh, and there was a recently departed follicle on the right. A never-before-seen follicle I might add. My lining - perfect, 3 layers, 11mm.

This all contradicts Doctor Dickhead Smirkface's Monday scan - apparently then I had one 11mm on the left, nothing else and a 'nothing-there' lining.

We were in there for ages and ended up being seen by the head honcho who apologised for the mismanagement of my cycle. He agreed that I probably should have been told to start the orgalutran on Tuesday/Wednesday, that I ought to have been monitored more closely and said that Doctor Dickhead Smirkface would be getting a talking to. 

And then he offered me a free flare cycle next month under his supervision to make up for this crap one. They took bloods to confirm ovulation (he thinks it definitely did happen) and my beautiful ripe 21mm follicle will be left to ovulate on its own because there's not enough time to trigger it and collect tomorrow. (They don't do pick-ups on the weekend.) So this month I get to ovulate twice (ouch, I am incredibly crampy) and wait for my period. And then start all over again. For free at least.

He also said that my ovarian response was like that of a 43 year old and that I am running out of eggs. Diminished ovarian reserve - oh yes indeed.

I am alternating between rage and despair.

Editing to add that the bloods came back positive for ovulation and I'm still not sure when my second follicle will erupt.