Monday, November 9, 2009

Worser and worser

Who knew that could happen?

I went for the scan this morning. Anxious and worried because I haven't felt any of the things other IVFers talk about - the bloatiness, the tenderness, the active ovary-ness. Starting off the crap experience was Doctor Smirk. He's the one who did my first stim scan during IVF#1 and his manner sucks. So that put me off some more.

In went the probe and he poked...and prodded...and poked...and prodded. All the while staying silent and NOT taking any measurements. And that's when I knew it would be bad news ... again. But I never for an instant thought it would be worse than the last two times.

He says "There's nothing there".

"NOTHING!?!?" says I.

So he pokes and prods some more and finally discovers one 11mm follicle in one of my poor beleaguered ovaries. He said that I am a poor responder and where one would normally expect to see 10-15 follicles in a woman of my age I should not ever expect more than a couple. That no protocol is really any better than any other but probably the long down-reg is best. That we have a 1-2% chance of natural conception and IVF is not increasing that for us by much. That he wouldn't recommend converting to IUI because if there is one egg there then it has a better chance of becoming a baby if we use ICSI (like we have previously). That maybe next time we should try a natural cycle (no drugs, just collect the egg that grows naturally and do ICSI on it).

I am devastated. Completely ruined and crushed and destroyed by this news.

I'm to go back for a repeat scan on Thursday to see if anything else has popped up, but it's unlikely. Most likely it's just this 1. And we have to be prepared to decide whether to go to pick-up or cancel on Thursday. My darling (who was with me this time 'cause I didn't want to be alone if it was going to be upsetting again) says we should finish the cycle. Thank goodness he was with me, I was a mess.

I wonder if I can bear to go through with this cycle. Doing that to myself for the tiny chance that it might result in a baby. The lows are so low and it takes me such a lot to pull myself up again. To drag myself out of the despair-pit and then stand on the edge of it waiting to see which way I'll fall at the next juncture.

I think we will see this cycle through to its end, but I have no belief, buoyancy, confidence, expectation, faith or optimism left.

I have no hope left inside my heart and I don't think I will ever have a child with my husband.

And I'm so very very sad.

Image from Zero-Rider


  1. Shit, I am sorry. Whatever you decide to do, it will be the right thing for you.

  2. Pundelina I am so very very sorry. This sense of hopelessness is horrible.

  3. That sucks. I am so so very sorry. My thoughts are with you and the big guy xxx

  4. Oh Pundelina, I am so sorry. SUCK. Huge, goddamned suckage. ((Hugs)) and hang in there as you follow wherever your heart takes you on this.

  5. Ugh Ugh Ugh. Beats me as to why you can't have a little ray of sunshine your way.

    I am glad that your husband was there to suppport you. Whatever you guys decide, remember both of you are in it together.

    Well, ICSI does seem to be the way out. Maybe you should shift this cycle from IVF to ICSI.

    I hope that follicle has potent contents.

    Can I ask you a question? Was your first child conceived naturally? Has your doctor ever tested you for POF? You may have written about it earlier, and if I have missed it, I am really sorry.

    But there must be answers to this heartache.

  6. Oh yeah, that's crap. I'm so sorry :( I reckon you should go for it... I know it's crap emotionally, and I know it gets hard to take. But if you can.. just remember that all it takes is one!

    Hoping this is the one for you xx

  7. "Can I ask you a question? Was your first child conceived naturally? Has your doctor ever tested you for POF?"

    The little guy was conceived unintentionally - I'd stopped birth control as it disagreed with me, had irregular periods and the X and I rarely did the deed. The cycle TLG was conceived we did it once and later on that day I felt ovulation.

    Last June when tested my FSH level was normal and I ovulate and menstruate regularly. Laproscopic investigation and dye studies revealed no uterine issues. This has meant that all doctors examining my file have agreed that everything in me seems to be in working order.

    However the more I research 'poor responders' I see that having regular cycles combined with a poor response to exogenous gonadotropins is generally a sign of impending ovarian doom and a statistically tiny chance of achieving pregnancy - even with IVF.


  8. Ugh. Crap.

    Oh, Pundelina...I'm so, so sorry. It just doesn't make any sense.

    I'm glad the big guy was with you.

    Hoping that the repeat scan brings better news. Nothing wrong with praying Dr. Smirk's u/s skills suck, right?

    Big, HUGE ((HUGS))!

  9. Re: poor ovarian response in the face of normal testing -- I am in the same boat and have some insight from a 2nd opinion RE appt recently. My day 3 FSH is normal, no sign of ovarian or uterine trouble, all hormones where they should be throughout my normal, ovulatory cycles...but poor response to heaps of exogenous hormones may suggest a problem with the FSH or some other hormone receptor (i.e. very loud message not received by all of the follicles). No reliable testing for this, no intervention. One or two (or a few) mature eggs is the most we poor responders can recruit. BUT...those eggs are probably just fine (and in your case, you KNOW you can make a baby!). So, you really do just need one to fertilize and stick. Just the one. I hope you get the one this time.

  10. Feeling so sad for/with you. I'm sorry this is the way things are right now.

  11. I am so so sorry that you are going through this again. I pray that this one follicle will turn out to be your little miracle. Hugs..

  12. Ugh. I'm so sorry. I too am a poor responder and had a scan just like yours, except my only follicle was 9mm. There are protocols that can help poor responders. It's just a matter of whether your clinic does them or not. So sorry.

  13. Here from LFCA and I am so sorry for that news.

    I say you stick it out and go with your odds. Improbable is not impossible. And I agree with another commenter that you have had a child already so that is a point on the 'go for it' side.

  14. I'm so, so sorry. I can't imagine what that must have been like sitting there.


  15. I have been in your place - and thought all life had stopped.

    But for what it is worth - I would be getting a second opinion.

    Don't give up. You are only young.

  16. Pundelina, I'm so sorry. I know that no words will make you feel better. We are all here thinking of you.

    I agree with PP (the other Andi) get a second opinion.

    Wishing you all the best.

  17. Oh, I am so so sorry. I hope the rest of the cycle goes well and that the next few weeks offer some clarity for you.

  18. Pundelina I am so sorry. This is not the news I was expecting to read and I can't imagine how you are feeling, especially after all the research you put into this cycle.

    Anything I say sounds trite and pathetic, but if you want to vent IRL, you have my number.


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