I finished the clomid today - I got pimples and am majorly off emotionally. I so hate the emotional side-effects. On the upside I keep reminding myself that maybe if I'm emotionally awry then the drugs are working. Hope so.
I want my life back. I want to stop studying and stressing and being infertile. I want it all to end. I feel like it's never going to happen. I'm in stim #3 and have only had one failed transfer and nary a frostie to be seen. Fuckdamn. And then I read the stupid 'average' it takes to get a BFP ... 3 stims and associated FETs = 7 or 8 transfers. Yeah right. That's not going to happen here.
I wonder if I'll feel better over the next few days as the clomid wears off. I hope so because this empty awfulness is hateful. For me and for everyone around me. And I'm scared of Monday's scan. This cycle is a powerful one and I'm scared that I still won't respond any better. That I'll only have a few follicles again and only 2 (or less) eggs and then no baby again.
I was reading a research article that was talking about the amount of stims it takes people to give up doing IVF. They gave people FREE treatment and watched what happened. What they found was that after 3 failed stim cycles, most people gave up. Just because it's too fucking awful doing this over and over again.
These drugs are a mindfuck. The roller-coaster is a mindfuck. The desperate desire is a mindfuck.
*insert scream here*
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