Urban legend FAIL

Bien sûr!

Brownish CM this morning, blood this evening. I called the clinic and was told that tomorrow will be classed as Day 1. So I shall call again tomorrow and find out what Dr Mac has in store for me.

The nurse tried to tell me that lots of people were trying to fit in a cycle before the end of the year and they all get put on a list and looked at to see who can and cannot do a cycle so that they don't overload with numbers of patients. I say 'tried to tell me' because as soon as she said it I replied that I WOULD be doing a cycle because it was offered specially by Dr Mac. Then I thought I should probably take a deep breath and shut up. There were no orders in the system for me so they have to talk to him tomorrow and find out what he wants me to do.

I shall try not to google anything this time and to stay a bit detached. Ha!

In other news, my honours supervisor is happy with me at the moment and so am I. I handed in the first draft of the literature review and then floored her by showing her my 3/4 complete data file (almost ready for analysis). I have made some progress and have met my milestones so far which delights both of us.

TBG's ex-wife dislikes me and tries to ignore me and today she sent an email to tBG asking that I not have contact with the Middle Guy's school (he is starting secondary school close to us in 2010). I have run 2 errands for tBG to go to school during school hours when asked and apparently she does not like this. My errands so far have involved collecting a folder of information and buying some second-hand clothing. Life-shattering.

I don't understand why she is so threatened by me and she can go and get fucked with her request that I not have contact with the school - she "would prefer that any day-to-day contact with the school was with tMG's parents". I am his parent too and her request is absurd.

Thank you for your lovely comments regarding the drawers, we love them and every night when tBG goes to bed he says "I love our bedroom". So sweet! (He thinks I've made him sound ghey, but really he just sounds happy with the new furniture.)

We did this

TBG took me shopping yesterday - to Ikea. I have a not-so-secret Ikea fetish (it goes along nicely with my stationery and hardware fetishes) and I like to wander around the store playing with all their stuff and briefly living in their weird little apartments. I particularly like this blue and white one they've got going on at the moment. It has a lovely, though incredibly uncomfortable, navy blue couch with pale blue and white furnishings. But I digress.




We have lived in this house for 2 years and for 2 years we have dithered around not getting a new chest of drawers. We got an enormous, fantabulous bed with a splendiferous mattress that makes all other beds feel like rocks, lovely bed covers and blankies. But the rest of the room was a mish-mash. I had a raw pine chest of drawers that I'd rescued from a neighbours' hard rubbish pile six years ago. They'd thrown it out because it was wobbly, falling apart and poorly made in the first place. But I gave it a home and made do. When we bought the new bed I decided that the old chest of drawers looked yukky (it did) and we attempted to paint it. But we don't have a good painting space and instead of a pristine white piece of furniture we got a tallboy complete with paint-embedded dust, hair and teeny tiny bugs. So then I squashed all my stuff in other places and we talked about getting a new chest one day.



Apparently Sunday was the day. We hit Ikea on a whim, bought the second cheapest bits of Swedish crapola we could find and I had the brilliant idea of inserting fabric behind the tacky plastic panels and ... ta-daaaa ...

We now have a new chest of drawers and two new bedside tables too. And I am so pleased with the results! The fabric I chose matches the bedspread perfectly and it's all luver-lelly.


The old bedside tables we had were hard rubbish too. In case you haven't guessed, I have a not-so-secret hard rubbish fetish as well. I am indeed a Rat. What do they say - reduce, reuse, recycle. I happily do all that.

 As for the other stuff (you know, the hideous horrid stuff) my period is due sometime after Tuesday. I'm not sure when exactly because of the double ovulation and the uncertain timing of the second egg's release. No one can tell me if my luteal phase will be ruled by the first egg's eruption (in which case my period is due Tues/Wed) or by the second egg (in which case my period is due anywhere from Thurs to Sat).

Mostly I'm not hopeful but there's this dumb little part of me that says "oooh maybe you could be pregnant, you had two eggs, you had s.ex, maybe maybe maybe..." The rest of me wants to beat that silly-me over the head with a rock and make her shut-up cause she's always wrong and listening to her hurts.

I sound like a complete crazy woman and I am. I've spent the last week miserable and sad and having nightmares every night and I don't think that the broken awful sleep helps my mood at all.


But anyhoo ... Retail therapy worked some - aren't the drawers gorgeous???

Show and Tell - The best salad dressing E-V-A-H

I have lost myself lately. The stress of these repeated failures, these 3 ICSI cycles of doom have taken their toll on me and I realised the other day that my poor blog has turned into a repository of sadness. Almost completely. The odd post here or there reflects more than the infertility issues, but they are few and far between.

So. I have resolved to try to write a non-infertility-related post every time I write an infertility-related post and I'm starting with something delicious. And I'm tagging into Show and Tell (go see what everyone else is showing too).

This salad dressing is seriously the absolute, most fantastic dressing in the universe. If awesome had dressing on it, it would be this dressing. Oh, and it's crazy simple too. Without further ado I present ...

Punde's Perfect P'salad P'dressing

Equal parts

• lemon juice
• balsamic vinegar
  
• soy sauce
• sesame oil
• Half again as much honey than the other ingredients

So if you made a little serving, just for two, you'd use 1 tsp of the first four and 1.5 tsp of the honey. The dressing is sweet, salty, tangy and smooth all at once and you must must must only use the queen of oils in it.
Mix it all together and serve with salad. Any salad.

We particularly like this salad ...

A big bowl full of baby spinach leaves
15 bite-sized chunks of roast pumpkin (no skin)
Red capsicum slices
Cucumber slices
Sugar-snap peas
A handful of cashews

Layer, toss, whatever. Then dress it right before eating and you will think you have gone to salad heaven. The Big Guy used to dislike salad, but now he eats it 3 or times a week very happily as long as it has a dash of the fantabulous dressing on it.

As an aside, I am amazed. Astounded even.

Apparently the universe is on my side - I am not even allowed to accidentally stumble into infertility. I went to find an alliterative synonym for dressing that started with 'P' 'cause I like that kind of thing and I landed at synonym.net. This is what they had to offer ... who knew fecundation or fertilisation were synonyms for dressing! Ha. I won't be going there again - FAIL synonym.net!

In which doctors prove fallible.

I got cramps yesterday which continued through last night (and still today). At first I thought "ooooh, maybe my ovaries are growing more follicles!" And then I thought, "but hang on these cramps feel an awful lot like ovulation." The Big Guy suggested doing an OPK to see if there was a surge, lo and behold two glaring pink lines on the pee-stick. So then I cried and cried and cried some more (I'm getting rather sick of crying akshully). TBG and I agreed we should probably make lerv because of that stupid +OPK so as not to waste the chance. That resulted in more tears.

When I woke up this morning it was with a pit of anxiety in my stomach, a heavy heavy heart and sore eyes.

Now I am all grrrrrrr at my clinic.

I went back for the repeat scan today with my +OPK in hand only to find that my 11mm follie (on the left) was now a 21mm follie. Ummm, no ... that's not possible! Oh, and there was a recently departed follicle on the right. A never-before-seen follicle I might add. My lining - perfect, 3 layers, 11mm.

This all contradicts Doctor Dickhead Smirkface's Monday scan - apparently then I had one 11mm on the left, nothing else and a 'nothing-there' lining.

We were in there for ages and ended up being seen by the head honcho who apologised for the mismanagement of my cycle. He agreed that I probably should have been told to start the orgalutran on Tuesday/Wednesday, that I ought to have been monitored more closely and said that Doctor Dickhead Smirkface would be getting a talking to. 

And then he offered me a free flare cycle next month under his supervision to make up for this crap one. They took bloods to confirm ovulation (he thinks it definitely did happen) and my beautiful ripe 21mm follicle will be left to ovulate on its own because there's not enough time to trigger it and collect tomorrow. (They don't do pick-ups on the weekend.) So this month I get to ovulate twice (ouch, I am incredibly crampy) and wait for my period. And then start all over again. For free at least.

He also said that my ovarian response was like that of a 43 year old and that I am running out of eggs. Diminished ovarian reserve - oh yes indeed.

I am alternating between rage and despair.

Editing to add that the bloods came back positive for ovulation and I'm still not sure when my second follicle will erupt.

Worser and worser

Who knew that could happen?

I went for the scan this morning. Anxious and worried because I haven't felt any of the things other IVFers talk about - the bloatiness, the tenderness, the active ovary-ness. Starting off the crap experience was Doctor Smirk. He's the one who did my first stim scan during IVF#1 and his manner sucks. So that put me off some more.

In went the probe and he poked...and prodded...and poked...and prodded. All the while staying silent and NOT taking any measurements. And that's when I knew it would be bad news ... again. But I never for an instant thought it would be worse than the last two times.

He says "There's nothing there".

"NOTHING!?!?" says I.

So he pokes and prods some more and finally discovers one 11mm follicle in one of my poor beleaguered ovaries. He said that I am a poor responder and where one would normally expect to see 10-15 follicles in a woman of my age I should not ever expect more than a couple. That no protocol is really any better than any other but probably the long down-reg is best. That we have a 1-2% chance of natural conception and IVF is not increasing that for us by much. That he wouldn't recommend converting to IUI because if there is one egg there then it has a better chance of becoming a baby if we use ICSI (like we have previously). That maybe next time we should try a natural cycle (no drugs, just collect the egg that grows naturally and do ICSI on it).

I am devastated. Completely ruined and crushed and destroyed by this news.

I'm to go back for a repeat scan on Thursday to see if anything else has popped up, but it's unlikely. Most likely it's just this 1. And we have to be prepared to decide whether to go to pick-up or cancel on Thursday. My darling (who was with me this time 'cause I didn't want to be alone if it was going to be upsetting again) says we should finish the cycle. Thank goodness he was with me, I was a mess.

I wonder if I can bear to go through with this cycle. Doing that to myself for the tiny chance that it might result in a baby. The lows are so low and it takes me such a lot to pull myself up again. To drag myself out of the despair-pit and then stand on the edge of it waiting to see which way I'll fall at the next juncture.

I think we will see this cycle through to its end, but I have no belief, buoyancy, confidence, expectation, faith or optimism left.

I have no hope left inside my heart and I don't think I will ever have a child with my husband.


And I'm so very very sad.


Image from Zero-Rider

Clomid + FSH = the blues

I finished the clomid today - I got pimples and am majorly off emotionally. I so hate the emotional side-effects. On the upside I keep reminding myself that maybe if I'm emotionally awry then the drugs are working. Hope so.

I want my life back. I want to stop studying and stressing and being infertile. I want it all to end. I feel like it's never going to happen. I'm in stim #3 and have only had one failed transfer and nary a frostie to be seen. Fuckdamn. And then I read the stupid 'average' it takes to get a BFP ... 3 stims and associated FETs = 7 or 8 transfers. Yeah right. That's not going to happen here.

I wonder if I'll feel better over the next few days as the clomid wears off. I hope so because this empty awfulness is hateful. For me and for everyone around me. And I'm scared of Monday's scan. This cycle is a powerful one and I'm scared that I still won't respond any better. That I'll only have a few follicles again and only 2 (or less) eggs and then no baby again.

I was reading a research article that was talking about the amount of stims it takes people to give up doing IVF. They gave people FREE treatment and watched what happened. What they found was that after 3 failed stim cycles, most people gave up. Just because it's too fucking awful doing this over and over again.

These drugs are a mindfuck. The roller-coaster is a mindfuck. The desperate desire is a mindfuck.

*insert scream here*

Bang!

And we're off and running in the final lap of the race to Babyland 2009.

My period arrived on Saturday much to my disappointment. Repeated disappointment. Because how dumb am I? Every month I think "oooh, maybe ..." and every. single. fucking. month I am wrong. We cannot just make whoopie and get pregnant. It's not that simple and I'm not sure when, if ever, I will give up my persistent hopefulness as my cycle draws to a close. Apparently I'm not alone in this wayward hope, Megan and her commenters get it too.

Anyhoo, moving on ... Today marked the first day of Clomid. I have not experienced the 'vagueness' promised by the pharmacist who insisted on giving me warnings before my purchase. Très décevant! I mean, really, with the dire predictions he'd imparted I expected myself to be delightfully ditsy and incapable of driving a motor ve-here-kel. Instead I retained full control of my mental capacity and got a slight headache. Dagnabbit!

Tomorrow I shall start sticking myself with 450iu of Gonal-F and praying that this mega-hit to my ovaries will result in one healthy baby. Due early next August. Because I'm sick like that too, every month I look up the due date calculators and find out when our potential baby would arrive. We don't have anyone in the entire family born in August - it'd be lovely to fill that hole.

This month I have to finish writing my literature review. Have to.