(written on 30th Oct 2008)
So I'm not pregnant, yet again. Yes, I know I've only been trying for 10 cycles but I had a plan. A plan I tells ya!
I was going to have a baby with my wonderful husband next year. Then I could take a year off study and go back to finish the last year when bub was older than 6 months.
But now, after 10 tries I have one more chance to get up the duff before we have to stop trying for a few months so I can do the rest of Honours next year. I figure if we get pregnant in this cycle, then bub would be due in August so that's OK to take the year off and do my final year in 2010.
But the months after this (Dec & Jan) make a due date too close to the end of the year - if potential bub is due in September it's not worthwhile/sensible to take the year off - so I may as well try not to get pregnant and do the final Honours year next year. Then if I commit to that I can't be having a bub in Oct or Nov either due to handing in assessments. So we will have to stop trying until end Feb/March.
This idea distresses me for a few reasons:
1. I really wanted to be pregnant. And I'm not. And we've been trying long enough now that if we had managed to nail it on the first try, I'd be having a baby this month.
2. I really wanted to take a year off. I am so burnt out I am a crispy cinder. No, wait ... I am the ashes of a crispy cinder of my former self. This was my 7th year studying (1 more year to finish Honours) and I have had enough. More than enough. And I'm scared of writing a 6,000 word lit review and then a 5,000 word research report. That seems like too many words.
3. Stopping trying to conceive is a freaky idea given that it hasn't exactly happened easily. And given my advanced age. Alright, I'm only 36 but in egg-years that's ancient.
4. We have an appointment with a fertility specialist in early December - can I tell the truth and say that we don't want to get pregnant until after January's cycle? Or ought I be faking enthusiasm for December and January cycles?
5. Did I mention I really wanted a year off study (I'd still be working)? I really can't justify taking that year unless there's a small, screaming human involved. Otherwise it just seems wasteful given that I'm so close to finishing.
Ironically your post sounds like my life plan. I had plans doesnt the universe get that??? i wanted a baby to be due now so i could do my post grad next year while off with bub.... i understand your frustration and i tell you IT WILL HAPPEN. can you put up your chart link somewhere too?
ReplyDeletenice blog - i love to read peoples journeys is like a book you can pick up every day and read about.