Thursday, April 28, 2011



People and animals who are already pregnant can get pregnant again. Yet I can't at all.

The Big Guy has two step-sisters - they've both had babies while we've been trying. He has two cousins - one had her second baby just before we started trying (while I was still convincing tBG), the second had her baby this morning.

Why couldn't I have married a man whose female relatives were done babying?

I gave the new baby the socks that were for our baby, the rattle-booties that were for our baby and the organic baby stuff pack that was for our baby.

I'm slowly giving it all away now and that hurts.

Smelling that sweet, sweaty newborn smell (she was only 10 hours old when we visited her tonight) was delicious, holding her was glorious, giving her back to her Mama was wrenching. I want so much (and I use the present tense with ooomph) to have a baby and that desire is not leaving me. Not fading, not diminishing, not abating, not going. 

Something that tells me there is no intelligent designer. Today was my first placement.  The 12 year old child I am to assess has a drug-addled, brain-damaged, alcoholic mother. That poor lady has a 12 year old, an 8 year old, a 4 year old and last year she had a new baby who was removed from her care immediately. 

Yet I can't get pregnant. 

Flying Spaghetti Monster?


  1. I am so sorry the desire is not subsiding. I teared up when I read that you were giving the baby stuff away that was meant for your baby. I can imagine how painful that was for you. Life is definitely not fair. I'm thinking about you. I wish I could do something to make you feel better.

  2. I am so sorry. Giant hugs. It is so unfair that people out there like that lady are everywhere and here we are struggling like hell. I can understand why it would hurt so much to give all your baby things away too. More hugs. And a shoulder to cry on.

    Would you like some more chocolate from my giant Easter stash? Here is a nice glass of Friday nite wine, too.

    If there is anyone up there in charge, I am sure it is the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

  3. Yep, that desire is STRONG! When it takes hold look out! I used to flush and get weepy just seeing a baby across the room (before having my onw).

    I don't know what the "right" thing to say here is, but the honest thing to say is that reading about how much you want a baby reminds me to treasure and feel fortunate for mine. That are big and hairy and gangly and weirded-out on hormones right now. But still, my babies. SO, thank you. And, I'm sorry.
    It's not right. It defies logic. You are awesome and should, in a perfect world, get all the babies you want.


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