Too much on

The Little Guy has started school, my Gramps is getting sicker, my Honours project has me screaming and running for the hills, work wants a website and also for me to do all my regular work.

I am a bit overwhelmed at the moment. And as usual I am hoping that the Big Guy and I have nailed it this month (apparently the cycle after a lap can be extra-fertile).

I went up to Brisbane last weekend and stayed two nights in the hospital with my Gramps. It was wonderful to be able to do this, the nurses (mostly) appreciate families staying over and my Gramps certainly did. He kissed me more than he has ever kissed me in my life. I read to him a lot and chatted about general stuff and adored him up close. He's not awake much - only a few hours a day, and he spends a lot of this time somewhat confused. The pain meds are heavy duty so they leave him in a daze a lot, but he does have sharp moments and he knew who I was at all times.

Leaving him was one of the hardest things I have ever done.

He was eating lunch listening to Dean Martin sing "Arrivederci Roma" at full volume and we both cried a little. Too awful to be flying 2000km south and away from him when all I wanted to do was to stay by his side forever.

At the moment he cries a lot as he looks at pictures or talks about the past. He is very emotional and that is so strange. He's been a very loving man, a strong sensitive type who has been sparing with his emotionality and his physical affection. But now, at the end, he is super affectionate and emotional. I wonder if it is an effect of the drugs, relaxing his inhibitions or if he is simply relaxing his guard and feeling everything as much as he likes.

My Granny and Mum and Aunt don't like him to cry, they say he needs to be kept on an even keel and to distract him from his tears. I'm not sure about that but it afforded us a secret laugh on the first night when he was crying as I read/sang Banjo Patterson's "Clancy of the Overflow". He cried gently and then I was too and I said "You'll have to stop that or all those women we love will be up in arms and they'll banish me from the hospital!" He giggled through his tears.

Arrgghh. It's too awful. One ought not have to suffer at the end of a life lived well. Pain and drugs and a protracted illness are a terribly unfair end. Why isn't there a switch or a button or a choice!

Enough for now.