Fuck you FSH

My period arrived on Mothers Day.

Day 2 FSH = 14.1

Clinic will only let me do IVF if my CD2 FSH level is below 12. We weren't aiming for a cycle this month anyway, just tracking it to see the fluctuation-that-wasn't.

FuckFuckFuckFuckFUCK.

I am now the unhappy owner of sore eyes (crying), old ovaries (genetics) and a request for a bone density test marked 'indicator - premature menopause'.

And I have realised that I am jealous of other infertile couples.  A green hierarchy of jealousy which I shall now expose because it's festering inside me and this is what my blog is for after all ... de-fester-ifying my head.

First place goes to those women under 30 who are experiencing ovulation problems (anovulation, PCOS whatever) - seemingly easily fixed by clomid or, if need be, a quickie trip through IUI or IVF. At least there's young healthy eggs in there somewhere.

Couples with male infertility place in the middle, even those who have almost totally crapped out sperm, because it only takes one and 1% of 10,000 is still an awful fucking lot when the embryologist is looking for one to ICSIfy.

And bringing up the rear are those women who have tubal problems but fine ovaries. IVF is a must, but if there's eggs there then you're in business.

*Sigh* How fucking sad am I.

Back to the fun-park

Well, well, well. Wednesday's doctor's appointment resulted in a non-teary departure from his office, a situation which surprised me no end.

He says that reproductive hormones fluctuate and he recommends trying again! As long as my day 2 FSH is below 12...of course. We looked at going with his clinic but in the end he said he would only do the same type of cycle as our old clinic anyway, neither of them believe in oestrogen priming cycles due to the lack of rigorous scientific evidence, so it's to be another flare. He did say that this time next year would be no good with the downhill path I'm on. We compared costs and we're going back through the original clinic and we'll have another go on the IVF roller-coaster.

Because I do so love roller-coasters, the faster and bigger the ups and downs the better. At least the IVF roller-coaster has some ups - unlike my body's natural roller-coaster which is now permanently set on steeply-down.

We in Australia need Child Protection Order checks and Police Record checks to proceed with IVF as of the new legislation introduced this year.  Last year we got the police checks done, so we just had to post off the child protection checks and wait for processing. Potentially, I'll be jabbing myself by the end of May -0 as long as that FSH level is under 12. I'll check it when my period comes in early may just to see what's happening.

Anyhoo, in other good news the Big Guy's sperm appears to be in the normal range now, so he said to keep trying naturally too - maybe there's one good egg left in me to naturally snag one of the millions of normally shaped sperm TBG produces. TBG stopped riding his bike after the SA that showed 92% abnormal forms, and he started taking Menevit and slow-release vitamin C. Maybe those things helped, maybe it was random, whatever, his junk is normal junk now and I am pleased about that.  So is he - he kinda puffed out a bit when the doc told us and later said (only half-jokingly) that he feels more manly. I, of course, feel less womanly because it's so darn obvious that we're not pregnant because of me. All me. And I know it's not a blame game - from him or anyone else outside my head. But inside my head - I'm playing the blame-game and I'm the loser.
 
As for the new legislation, there's been a lot of furore over here. Lots of "it's not fair"s and "fertile couples don't have to get checks before they leave the hospital with their baby". Personally, I don't care and I think that it's the least of the "it's not fairs". I understand the purpose - I believe it's to avoid litigation sometime in the future when a child conceived through ART grows up and reveals that they were abused by a parent and seeks to sue the clinic that facilitated their conception. If the clinic hadn't jumped through some hoops to suggest that they vetted out the paedophiles and child-beaters, then they'd be liable. It cost us about $64 to get the checks and really, anyone with a clean record ought not be disturbed. It's just not that big of a deal - they are the sort of checks one has to get done for all sorts of employment/volunteer work anyway. Rant over and sorry if I offended anyone who's offended by the checks.

And wait - there's more good news!!!

We're going to Italy from 23 Dec to 8 Jan to start 2011 fresh and exciting :) I'm thrilled to be going and TBG is such a sweetheart for suggesting it, I was feeling awfully plan-less, direction-less and miserable - this really helps! Christmas in Rome, New Years in ...? Visit some family, see where my grandfather came from, walk the stones that ancient people walked. I can't wait to get lost in all the history. And if I'm 7 months pregnant then all the better!

*insert hysterical laughter here*

Well the last of the test are back and I'm completely weirded out.

Inhibin B: normal reference range = 100-250 ng/L;  <10 = post-menopausal
 
Guess who has an Inhibin B level less than 10?? Me! Amazing, I am still having perfectly regular periods, and ovulating, but my result on this test suggests that I am done and dusted with periods and fertility.

What The Fuck is going on in there????

Doctor's appointment next Wednesday. I wonder what his take will be.


Here is a virtual bunch of flowers for all you lovely, lovely ladies who have shared my incredulity, horror and disbelief with me. You have showered me with love and kindness and for that I am eternally grateful.

DHEA - for the FAIL.

Oh ladies I'm so sad

Latest FSH results - 14.3 (menopausal)
latest AMH results - 1.9 (menopausal)

I don't want to believe those results ... I want them to be someone else's, some 50 year old lady's - not mine

I'm not sure what we will do now - not sure if it's worth going forward, with a CD3 FSH of 14.3 I'm not even sure that the doc will even do a cycle with me I have to make another appointment but from the looks of it, I'm a DHEA failure.

Thank you so much for all your supportive, horrified comments. I am drowning here and it's a comfort to know that you're out there thinking kindly of me.

A couple of friends who have struggled with infertility have both told me to ignore the blood test results and to keep trying and trying, not to give up.  But oh I'm not sure if that's the right thing to do, it's so much money to try and try again!  I'm not even 38 yet and this is all so incredibly unfair. What would you do? What will I do? What will the doctor say now?

Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here

First set of blood tests reveal that my FSH level is now 14 point something.

Aaarrrggggghhhh!!!!

Doc said that the only thing the DHEA would do for sure was lower my FSH (which was actually fine at 7.4). Instead it's doubled. This is not at all good and naturally the doctor's office is closed and so I can't see/speak to anyone. I've been in tears since I opened the mail and saw those shocking results (I get copies sent to me). My free testosterone and DHEA-S levels are also stupidly elevated and I'm thinking I should stop taking the DHEA. ButvI'll wait and see how disastrous my AMH and Inhibin-b levels are, talk to the doc and then decide.

Taking DHEA was NOT supposed to make my situation worse, but so far that seems to be exactly what it has done.

Disbelief

Are any of you still incredulous? I know that after 26 months of TTC, lots of crappy blood tests, 28 BFNs and 4 IVF stim cycles I should be over the incredulity of it all, but I'm not.

I find myself thinking "surely we're not infertile" and "how on earth is it possible that we haven't had a baby" and "wtf?" and "I just can't believe it". 'Cause I can't. I wonder when I will believe it.

It's sort of funny, kind of like a murderer has snuck into my bedroom and is strangling me and yet I'm still wondering, "What? How can he have gotten in, surely it's not possible!" Or like I'm hypothermic in the icy cold ocean watching the Titanic be swallowed by the sea and I'm thinking "Hang on, I'm supposed to be in my berth, surely the ship can't be sinking!" Or like I'm crunching a sweet apple thinking "I'm supposed to be eating a banana - why doesn't this taste like a banana?" Ha! Stoopid disbelieving brain.

I'm downing my DHEA like a good girl and am waiting patiently for the blood tests now, because today is CD3 and I went and got jabbed. I will be interested to see if the DHEA has done anything to my hormone levels. Also, and confoundingly, I'm interested to see whether getting the tests done at the pathology lab will make a difference, given that both inhibin-B and AMH are supposed to be spun immediately and then put on ice (neither of which have happened at my GPs).

And in the end, the results of these blood tests don't actually change anything anyway. If I can get my act into gear then we'll probably start the new cycle soon. That is, if I can get in to see the mandatory counsellor before my luteal phase starts. Which, when I type it and look at the dates, seems unlikely. So, then, I think we'll be cycling in June.

What...ever.

P.S. Still not finished with the damned illness either. I officially hate coughing.

Sickie-bear

I got ill on March 23rd. But my deadline wasn't til the 31st and I still had work to do, so I didn't stop and rest like I should have.

I got bronchitis on March 27th. But still with the needing to work...not enough rest. Then on about the 2nd it seemed like the bronchitis was clearing up, but I started getting sinus-y and last night I awoke at 4am with a throat like razor blades and a hot hot body. Not good hot. Bad hot.

So today, I'm completely brochitis-y again, every muscle and joint in my body is killing me and I'm coughing up phlegm like a 90 year old smoker. I swear a truck hit me.

And so we went to two doctors today. One gave me steroids for the wheeze and antibiotics for the lungs and the other gave me hope.

He said a few things and, as is my wont, here's the list.

1) DHEA is of no proven benefit but it can't hurt.

2) Growth Hormone is promising, but only one clinic in Adelaide is doing the clinical trial and we're both not there and not in it.

3) My egg numbers suck and he would never expect to get even 5 or 6 out of me, but the ones I have make embryos so all is not lost.

4) He didn't recommend quitting, said he'd be happy to go ahead with us.

He's so great, I have waaaaaay more confidence in him than in the docs at our last clinic, even though he says they're just as good. So we'll give IVF another chance to fuck with us and maybe delight us. Probably mid-May, the way my cycles are going.

He wrote me a path request for hormone checks at day 2/3 of my next cycle (which should be Thursday week) and he wrote a request for TBG to have another SA done. I want that done so I can let go of the hope, every damn month, that maybe we've hit the jackpot naturally.

I'm so scared heading towards this new cycle now. I half-thought that he would just say give up, but my age is apparently in my favour even if my AMH & Inhibin-B aren't.

But so scared. Early January, after the Christmas Fiasco BFN, I was severely depressed and hurting so badly after my six months of IVF Horror. I had to put that away and finish that stupid Honours project. Now that's done and I'm terrified to be letting myself in for that world of pain again.

Please Universe, please let it work this time.