Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Fuck you FSH

My period arrived on Mothers Day.

Day 2 FSH = 14.1

Clinic will only let me do IVF if my CD2 FSH level is below 12. We weren't aiming for a cycle this month anyway, just tracking it to see the fluctuation-that-wasn't.

FuckFuckFuckFuckFUCK.

I am now the unhappy owner of sore eyes (crying), old ovaries (genetics) and a request for a bone density test marked 'indicator - premature menopause'.

And I have realised that I am jealous of other infertile couples.  A green hierarchy of jealousy which I shall now expose because it's festering inside me and this is what my blog is for after all ... de-fester-ifying my head.

First place goes to those women under 30 who are experiencing ovulation problems (anovulation, PCOS whatever) - seemingly easily fixed by clomid or, if need be, a quickie trip through IUI or IVF. At least there's young healthy eggs in there somewhere.

Couples with male infertility place in the middle, even those who have almost totally crapped out sperm, because it only takes one and 1% of 10,000 is still an awful fucking lot when the embryologist is looking for one to ICSIfy.

And bringing up the rear are those women who have tubal problems but fine ovaries. IVF is a must, but if there's eggs there then you're in business.

*Sigh* How fucking sad am I.

13 comments:

  1. Damn:(

    It's not sad. I suffer from a high degree of egg quality envy, as well. To the extent that I walk around and look at visibly pregnant women and think, "How can that cow possibly have better eggs than me?!?!" I'm not proud of it but there you go.

    I am concentrating on the fact that FSH fluctuates. Period. My friend who is pregnant with twins after IVF had to sit out three cycles out because of high FSH. But she got there in the end. And this is my hope for you (and for all of us in this crappy egg club).

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  2. That sucks! I feel the same way about the hierarchy. I feel insanely jealous of young women at times.

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  3. You aren't sad at all. I have felt the same way off and on for pretty much the past three years. It's completely and radically unfair how these things shake out. May this be only that slight bump in the road for you and the next time your results are what you're looking for.

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  4. You should be jealous of me too.

    I have fine ovaries, a big ute, and DH has ample count. And I am still in the grinder.

    I am effing sorry for those horror digits, but I am even more sorrier for the possibilities they indicate. Ackworthy!

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  5. So sorry. You know it just sucks. I just don't understand how unfair things can be sometimes. I'm convinced at this point in my life that people that treat others like shit and are assholes are always the lucky ones. So tired of it. And your hierarchy of other infertile couples is right on target for me too.

    I'm sending lots of well wishes your way that your FSH goes down and you're able to get a cycle in when you want. Keep your head up...and drink some wine. ♥

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  6. That sucks! I am so sorry. I have jealousy issues with other infertile couples too.... I hope that you are able to get your FSH down.

    My thoughts are with you.

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  7. Getting your period on Mother's Day sucks. Your FSH number sucks. I am sorry for the suckiness.

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  8. I an right with you and I'm sorry about the shitty numbers. I fully expect that I'll be right on that path shortly, stupid early menopause runs in my family. That said, my acupuncturist tells me how many patients she has with high fsh who do find good eggs. I'm also quite jealous of those folks who have have a clear medical path ahead without egg quality discussions. Fuckers!

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  9. I don't know what my prognosis is yet, but I am right there with your on being jealous of other infertile couples. Right now I feel sure this reproduction thing won't work out in the end for me, as it is working out or will work out for so many others on these blogs.

    So whatever the cause may be (logical or illogical), I commiserate on your current level of despair. It is awful.

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  10. I'm terrified that I'll turn out to have crappy eggs when we finally get to that point, but in the meantime you can hate on me all you want if it helps. It does seem like you got royally screwed in the gametes line. I too will be hoping the FSH is just a cruel fluke.

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  11. Not sad at all. I feel for you situation. You did nothing wrong. You did not do anything to end up in the situation you are in. You aren't even 40 for cripes sake. It sucks.

    I have participated in the blogs and one by one 85% of the women even the "older" ones have gotten pregnant. Mind you, these women did not have an easy time. It appears that patience and perseverance wins out.

    I think its great that your clinic screens you on a month by month basis to give you a chance. I hope you get the magic number of FSH to let you go forward with your next cycle.

    Maredsous

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  12. Fvck.

    Feel free to hate on me all you need to...

    I just can't/won't give up thinking that it has to go down next month. That you will cycle again.

    ((HUGS))

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  13. You want to know how sad *I* am? I'm actually a little thankful that someone out there might be jealous of me! Because I spend way too much time being eaten up by jealousy myself. Sigh.

    I hope your FSH numbers improve.

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