Wednesday, May 26, 2010


Greetings ladies.

You may be wondering about the title of this post.

  • Is it an Italian dialect greeting?
  • Is it a strange new food?
  • Is it the store you go to buy hos from?

Surely C's the right answer, right??

It's none of the above - it was my google verification word when I left a birthday message on Keiko's blog. And it tugged at me, like those darned not-words do.

Often I get a fantasmagorical verification word and I want to sign off my comment with it.  But then I stop myself and think, "but they'll think I'm weird if I sign off a comment with hostore, even if I do find it terribly funny". Why do I care whether you guys think I'm weird?

Misfits wrote about friendships recently and so did Bunny and they got me thinking about what these IF friendships mean to me and how much I appreciate belonging to a Glum Club (with moments of Glee when one of us gets to escape).

I do, I do, I do. I appreciate the you-ness of you all so very very much. So maybe I will start signing off my comments with my verification words - just because of the me-ness of me.  Or maybe just the excellent ones. We'll see.

About this club though. Maddy wrote recently that 25 of her blog sisters had gotten pregnant since she started blogging in June 09. I started blogging 8 months earlier and have through all my IFtime belonged to a forum of TTCers. At last count 39 women I started trying with are pregnant or have had their babies in the forum alone. In bloggy-IF-land out here there's at least the 25 Maddy counted plus a few more from the 8 months prior to her count. That's a shitload of escapees. 64 at minimum. Maddy takes it as a sign of hope - it can happen she says and she's totally correct.

But I'm torn at present.

I greet the pregnancy announcements with such joy - true joy, especially when they've struggled hard. And I congratulate and compliment along with everyone else when babies are birthed safely and displayed proudly. Both in the outerworld and in cyberspace. I'm so appreciative of all the new little persons being created and born. I want each and every one of you to get pregnant and produce your squalling, kicking, cooing bundles. I want to snuggle and cuddle your bundles of love and occasionally I'm lucky enough to do so when someone close to me has a baby (like SIL#1 and SIL#2 and Friend#1 and Friend#2).

It's just that I wonder if I'm picking a scab. Maybe I'd feel better about my failure if I wasn't confronted with so much success it at every turn. I just don't know. I'm pondering.


  1. It's really hard. My cousin is one week behind me preggers and saw her heartbeat at her 6 week scan. She was my IRL IF buddy, and even if I'm happy that she has a surprise pregnancy after only conceiving through IVF after four years of failed cycles, it's still a bit hard.

    Ah, but at least the world of us infertiles has such drama built in. I am also extremely happy to see someone progress into the perfectly normal world, even if I also ponder whether I'm going to cross the divide one day as well. Part of me thinks that even if I do, I may never actually leave all this behind. It's so much a part of me now. Sad that it's such a defining element, right?

    On the verification, I sometimes think of a meaning as well, but half the time, my iphone is attempting to autocorrect. Ugh.

  2. I've certainly wondered how long my ability to be happy for others will last... We're all terrified of becoming Grandma Bloggy-Infertile, as Leslie put it, and at what point does that happen? After so many failed IVF cycles? After the 100th person whose blog you read graduates to parent-land? I can imagine how it gets harder and harder and harder to watch others escape and to explain to yourself why it's okay that they got the golden ticket and you just got screwed. This community comes with a cost, I think, and I hope we can admit it without people feeling hurt. I guess all that is just to say I think you deserve mad props for facing your situation so bravely.

  3. I think no matter how much joy we might have for someone else, it's invariably tempered with something else. Being sad. Frustration. Wondering when the hell we'll successfully make it out of here, as well. I know that's what happens to me.

    And I like the idea of signing off with the verification. Unless it's something like "nevergonnahappen". In that case, please, make something up:)

  4. It has gotten harder for me to read about all of these other women and their BFPs, ultrasounds, nursery colors, etc. I used to make the excuse that "well, they don't have stage IV endo"...then when they DID and STILL conceived, I would say "well, they don't have cysts and endometriomas"...then when they DID and STILL got those BFP's...well...I really started to blame myself. Hard. I have just started to try to embrace the emotional craziness for what it is and self preserve.
    It makes it so tough to sustain the joy when those situations arise. Honestly, you can feel it truly and deeply for them, but you are human, and it just gets tough to be all things to all people. I feel like a terrible person for saying that, but it's just honestly how I feel at this point.
    Bunny, you are so right... the community does come with a cost. I guess in the end we really are better for it as we learn through the process of sharing.


"Scout yonder's been readin' ever since she was born." I wasn't quite so precocious but I do love reading comments!