Thursday, April 15, 2010


Are any of you still incredulous? I know that after 26 months of TTC, lots of crappy blood tests, 28 BFNs and 4 IVF stim cycles I should be over the incredulity of it all, but I'm not.

I find myself thinking "surely we're not infertile" and "how on earth is it possible that we haven't had a baby" and "wtf?" and "I just can't believe it". 'Cause I can't. I wonder when I will believe it.

It's sort of funny, kind of like a murderer has snuck into my bedroom and is strangling me and yet I'm still wondering, "What? How can he have gotten in, surely it's not possible!" Or like I'm hypothermic in the icy cold ocean watching the Titanic be swallowed by the sea and I'm thinking "Hang on, I'm supposed to be in my berth, surely the ship can't be sinking!" Or like I'm crunching a sweet apple thinking "I'm supposed to be eating a banana - why doesn't this taste like a banana?" Ha! Stoopid disbelieving brain.

I'm downing my DHEA like a good girl and am waiting patiently for the blood tests now, because today is CD3 and I went and got jabbed. I will be interested to see if the DHEA has done anything to my hormone levels. Also, and confoundingly, I'm interested to see whether getting the tests done at the pathology lab will make a difference, given that both inhibin-B and AMH are supposed to be spun immediately and then put on ice (neither of which have happened at my GPs).

And in the end, the results of these blood tests don't actually change anything anyway. If I can get my act into gear then we'll probably start the new cycle soon. That is, if I can get in to see the mandatory counsellor before my luteal phase starts. Which, when I type it and look at the dates, seems unlikely. So, then, I think we'll be cycling in June.


P.S. Still not finished with the damned illness either. I officially hate coughing.


  1. Oh yes indeed. Isn't it absurd? (Though I do find it reassuring somehow that you still feel it after all you've been through...) Is it because we're surrounded by women who manage to have children just fine and it seems so impossible that we could be different from them? I don't know! I hope the blood tests reveal something interesting, even if it's not a magic remedy.

  2. It comes and goes. Like, some days I think it's incredible that this has not worked for us yet and other days I think, this is just never going to happen...ever. A gentle shift and swing, yes, but it happens weekly. Not sure where bottom is on that one. Such a swirly mess of emotions.

  3. I didn't get pregnant until cycle 27 of TTC and two ivf's. Have you talked to your Dr. about changing the protocol for the next ivf? That's what made the difference for me, I think. I hope they get their act together and get accurate results of your blood tests! I'm keeping my fingers crossed you get pregnant next cycle!

  4. I definitely have giant, fuzzy waves of disbelief. They come and they go. This is only our first IVF cycle, but I have had these moments of WTF? Did we just do that? Is that jam-packed sharps container really mine?

    Fingers crossed that these labs give you some insight!

  5. Hoping for good labs, and an end to The Coughing.

  6. I am absolutely on the incredulity train. As in, I occasionally believe someone else is living my life and I'm watching from afar. Like a movie. Only it's not. Which has me periodically shaking my head like a cartoon character who has been thumped by a frying pan. I still feel like it's all a huge mistake. That I shouldn't be here, in this often terrible place. (How do you spell "denial"?)

    I didn't know that about the AMH. That's very, very interesting. It nearly makes me want to demand a retest.

  7. Yup. I swing between feeling like "I KNEW this wouldn't work out for me!" to "WHY? WHY? WHY?" to "Oh, things will probably work out soon, this isn't really happening..."

    Total schizo!

    Like Adele, I sometimes am floating somewhere else, watching this sort of pathetic infertile woman muck around somewhere below me. Whew! Glad I'm not HER. Oh wait. Shit.

    But it feels like it's probably a normal part of the process to disconnect occasionally (or often, in my case).


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