Friday, February 12, 2010

I can't bear it

It's too much for me.

I'm sad and I don't know how to stop wanting a baby.

Before those test results I thought that maybe my last effort plan would work and now, now that I see my inhibin level is close to post-menopausal, now that my AMH level is practically negligible (it's 0.39 on the other scale), now I'm adrift and I want to know how to stop wanting this.

I'm truly happy for all the people I know who are pregnant here in blogland, or in forums or in real life, but I'm so so sad for me.

Now it hurts to read about betas and scans and dates and nurseries and measurements and plans and pains and joys. Before, I thought I really had a chance to be part of that club.

Now I'm just envious and heartbroken.

For interested parties AMH looks to be the most reliable marker of ovarian function (FSH the least reliable as it is affected by estradiol).

"The FSH, estradiol and inhibin secretion are mutually connected by negative feedback. Therefore, their circulating levels are only an indirect reflection of the number of antral follicles. The E2 levels are less a reflection of the number of antral follicles, but rather of their growth activity during the follicular phase. On this basis, the highest biological plausibility as marker of ovarian reserve is to be attributed to AMH, followed by inhibin B, FSH and E2."

from La Marca, A., Broekmans, F.J., Volpe, A., Fauser, B.C. & Macklon, N.S. (2009). Anti-Mullerian hormone (AMH): what do we still need to know? Human Reproduction, 24(9), 2264–2275. doi:10.1093/humrep/dep210


  1. I'm so sorry, I have no words. Just wanted you to know I'm reading and I hear your sadness and I'm sorry things aren't different for you. xxx

  2. My heart breaks for you. We're all in this together, no matter how it ends for each of us.

    If you haven't before, head over to Megan's blog at Bottoms Off and On the Table -- she has had 4 (?) pretty poor-responsive cycles (most of them canceled, in fact) and is now having a remarkable 5th (?) cycle with intralipids, growth hormone, and a crazy cocktail of a protocol that resulted in 32 eggs retrieved and 12 embryos (like the rest of us poor responders, she previously had single digit egg retrievals and far fewer embryos, if any). If she comments here, I apologize for telling her whole story, but my point is that there may be some unusual RE tricks that could make one more cycle your best ever. I hope you'll try. And I hope more than anything that it will work for you.

    We've got your back, Pundy. And we'll keep cheering you on.

  3. I'm wrestling with the AMH monster, as well. To be honest, I have my doubts. I don't want to be the peddler of false hope (to myself or to anyone else) but there is still so much that is unknown about this measurement, despite the fact that RE's are increasingly jumping on the bandwagon. I have read about serious flaws in the studies (the ages of women in their sample, sample size, etc.), which is why many labs are developing their own measurements. I also found an article about a Swiss clinic which reports 2 patients with undetectable AMH levels having spontaneous pregnancies. Yup. Spontaneous pregnancies. True, this was after secondary infertility of several years. But still. They concluded: "Although it is helpful for day-to-day management of infertile patients, the predictive value of AMH for the occurrence of a spontaneous ongoing pregnancy has limits." You can find the article by doing a search with that sentence.

    I am taking all of these numbers with a grain of salt. It's all my heart can do. Hugs.

  4. All I can say is I'm sorry, and it's ok to feel the way you do. I wish I had some really stellar advice for you - but I don't. The right next step will just come to you one day.

  5. Pundelina - I really hear your pain, and I think its great that you are expressing it.
    I would want to be distancing myself from pg news too.

    Im so sorry about those latest results - I can see how hard it is, especially when your scientific knowledge is screaming at you that things really aren't good.

    That said, as the PPs mention, ppl do buck the trends. A lady on a UK form is about to have twins after IVF, and her AMH was about 2. Plus DHEA has been shown to improve things in DOR - so if you can try to hold that in your mind as well.

    Thinking of you.

  6. I wish I could wave a magic wand and wipe your pain away...


  7. I have no words of wisdom.

    I can feel your pain, but I know that it is only you completely understands what it is all about.

    I am completely at a loss of words. I wish I could hug you. But I also wish I could get your hormone levels to behave. Getting to do the second thing would have mattered to me more than the plain hug.

    I am sorry.

  8. ((HUGS)) to you...and more and more. This process is so unforgiving.


"Scout yonder's been readin' ever since she was born." I wasn't quite so precocious but I do love reading comments!