It is May

Yes it is. Our self-imposed deadline has arrived and, surprise surprise, I'm pretty sure I'm not pregnant.

I'm due today or tomorrow and at midday today they was a speck of blood in my CM (yes, I am obsessed enough to be checking at odd times). So I figure that we're out this month. This month my Mum called me about 4 days after I ovulated and asked if I was pregnant. Apparently, right about the time that potential sperm and egg would have been meeting up, she had thought to herself that I was pregnant. She got all psyched up by the idea that she was having a psychic moment and, awfully, so did I. So I have spent this last 10 days being quite hopeful and expectant. And now I'm not. Now I'm waiting for my period to show me that I am definitely not pregnant. Stupidly, a little voice inside me is saying "maybe that speck of blood is old and is a sign of implantation, maybe you are pregnant" but there's a much louder voice shouting at the little voice to "shut-up and stop with the pointless hope".

So that makes 17 tries at making a baby together without so much as a chemical pregnancy to get excited about. Not even an evaporation line, nothing. There has been no meet-up between egg and sperm whatsoever at all inside me. And that is a most sucky situation.

The Big Guy said we should give it until May and then go along to the IVF information night, but now that it's May I am scared of that. It's so much money and doesn't even work for so many people. I just have no idea what the 'right' thing is to do. And I wish I did, I wish I had some certainty. Right now all I feel like doing is curling up into a miserable little ball and crying. I don't want to be studying any more, I don't want to be working, I don't want to be awake and hurting and worrying and wishing and spending every month on that stupid emotional roller-coaster. I've had enough of ranging from hopeful to hopeless month after month.

But the thing is, I always thought I would have more than 1 child. (When I wasn't worried about being infertile, that is.) When I was a young teenager and I plotted and planned my family, I was going to have 4 children. As I got older I thought I'd have 2. Now I have 1 child and my body doesn't think it's finished with babies yet.

Is this an illusion? Is it just a biological drive, my ticking clock talking? Or is it fate/destiny whatever you want to call it.

I love my husband and I want to have his baby. I want the experience of parenting with someone I adore, with someone who will actually be interested in the baby we produce. I want to have a baby and not have my relationship fall apart at the same time. I want to have the Big Guy's baby and be happy with him and our blended family. I want a child that is ours.

Is that really so much to ask?

What do you think, please tell me, should we give IVF a go? We've got the moola. I'm just not sure if IVF is a sensible thing to do with it.