Yep, he quite likes toast

Conversation between two 5 year olds, the Little Guy and Noisy R.

Noisy R: "Have you got any milk?"

Me: "Yes, water or milk."

Noisy R: "Milk please."

Little Guy: "Do you have soy milk or cow's milk?"

Noisy R: "Coooow's milk!"

Little Guy: "I have soy milk cause I'm toasty-tolerant."

OMG too cute. I rang my Mum and told her quickly as I am so bad at remembering the cute things said/done. I'm real good at remembering the crud though. Ma collects Little Guy stories to tell to Gramps. He gets a kick out of hearing the funny things the Little Guy says and does.

And yes, the Little Guy is lactose intolerant (just like Gramps). If you have a child who frequently complains of a sore tummy and sleeps very badly, it may be worthwhile cutting out cow's milk - it worked for us!

Speaking of Grampies, he's deteriorating slowly ... more confusion, more pain and less wakefulness during the day. I'm heading to the hospital on the weekend to relieve Mum and spend some time with him.

If it's purple, it's done.

1. Started your own blog.
2. Slept under the stars.
3. Played in a band.
4. Visited The Great Barrier Reef.
5. Stood under the stars in the outback, the real outback – think Uluru.
6. Given more than you can afford to charity.
7. Been to the Gold Coast’s theme parks – any one, you take your pick.
8. Climbed a mountain.
9. Held a praying mantis.
10. Sung a solo.
11. Bungee jumped, jumped out of plane, been paragliding or hang-gliding, hot air ballooning – you get the idea, you’ve been hundreds of metres about earth in a seemingly flimsy contraption.
12. Visited Melbourne.
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea.
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch.
15. Had a child. Raised a child. Worked with children.
16. Had food poisoning.
17. Been to the Snowy Mountains.
18. Grown your own vegetables.
19. Visited the Brett Whitely studio in Surry Hills, Sydney.
20. Slept on an overnight train or bus.
21. Had a pillow fight.
22. Been backpacking.
23. Taken a mental health day.
24. Been buried in sand with just your head and toes sticking out.
25. Held a possum, kangaroo or koala – or any other native Australian animal.
26. Gone skinny dipping.
27. Been in a fun run.
28. Been on the Blue Mountain cableway.
29. Seen a total eclipse.
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset.
31. Played, or watched, summer cricket.
32. Sailed, kayaked or canoed our beautiful waterways.
33. Seen the Daintree.
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors.
35. Visited an Aboriginal settlement or mission.
36. Learned a new language.
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied.
38. Toured the Sydney Opera House.
39. Tried rock climbing (indoor or outdoor), abseiling or just simple bush walking.
40. Visit Queensland’s Gallery of Modern Art.
41. Been to the Tamworth Country Music Festival.
42. Sunbaked at Bondi.
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant.
44. Visited Broome.
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight.
46. Been transported in an ambulance.
47. Had your portrait painted.
48. Gone fishing.
49. Seen Tasmania’s old growth forests.
50. Been to the top of Q1, on the Gold Coast.
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkelling
52. Kissed in the rain.
53. Played in the mud.
54. Gone to a drive-in theatre.
55. Been in a movie.
56. Driven the Great Ocean Road.
57. Started a business.
58. Taken a martial arts class.
59. Visited Norfolk Island.
60. Served at a soup kitchen.
61. Sold Girl Guide biscuits.
62. Gone whale watching.
63. Got flowers for no reason.
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma.
65. Gone jet boating.
66. Visited Port Arthur.
67. Bounced a cheque.
68. Flown in a helicopter.
69. Saved a favourite childhood toy.
70. Visited the Australian War Memorial.
71. Eaten Caviar.
72. Pieced a quilt.
73. Stood in Federation Square.
74. Been on the Murray River.
75. Been fired from a job.
76. Travelled, or climbed, over the Sydney Harbour Bridge.
77. Broken a bone.
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle.
79. Seen the Three Sisters at Echo Point, Katoomba.
80. Published a book.
81. Visited St Mary’s Cathedral, in Sydney.
82. Bought a brand new car.
83. Been to Hermannsburg.
84. Had your picture in the newspaper.
85. Read the entire Bible.
86. Visited Parliament House.
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating.
88. Had chickenpox.
89. Saved someone’s life.
90. Sat on a jury.
91. Met someone famous.
92. Joined a book club.
93. Lost a loved one.
94. Saved a pet.
95. Been to the site of the Eureka Stockade.
96. Swum in The Whitsundays.
97. Been involved in a lawsuit.
98. Owned a mobile phone.
99. Been stung by a bee.
100. Read an entire book in one day.

Gimme an 'I', gimme a 'V', gimme an 'F' - hang on, I don't want that.

Follow-up appointment with the Lovely Dr L. today.

This time I took my long list of questions so I could get answers to fertility bugbears that have been bugging me.

How often should we do the deed? Every 2nd day is enough.

I have little EWCM - does this matter and can I take something to make more (like Evening Primrose Oil)? It matters a little but is not a big deal and there's nothing proven to help make more.

Should we have a 3rd SA done for the Big Guy to get an average? No, no point doing that because there's no treatment for abnormal morphology so it doesn't matter about confirming the diagnosis.

Will Menevit and slow-release Vitamin C actually help improve the morphology? No. There's lots of anecdotal evidence but there's no scientific proof that vitamin treatment significantly improves morphology.

Can/should either of us drink at all? Sure, in moderation and not if pregnant.

Can/should either of us drink coffee at all? Sure, in moderation and not if pregnant.

Should I have an ovarian reserve blood test? No point, there's no treatment to improve eggs.

Can one get a positive OPK but not ovulate? Yes.

Does mittelschmerz mean I am actually ovulating? Yes.

Is it a sign of cruddy follicles and bad eggs? No.

Is my oestrogen low? No.

Does he think I am ovulating? Yes.

I have lighter periods since the birth of the Little Guy, is this an issue? No, doesn't matter and the endometrial sample he took during the lap showed an appropriate endometrium.

What's our chance of getting pregnant naturally? Well, at the beginning of all this when I was 35 our chance per month was 10% each cycle. Now that we've failed to get pregnant in 14 cycles and I'm 3 months off 37, our chance is significantly lower than that.

What's the Lovely Dr L.'s diagnosis ... idiopathic subfertility and his recommendation is to go straight to IVF. But I don't wanna! He said that it's subfertility, not infertility and probably if we keep trying we'll eventually get pregnant. So we're going with that.

And can I just say here, fuck this trying to conceive business. I hate it, it sucks and I was right - it is a nightmare and its one the has unfortunately come true for me.

Grrrrr.

He said that the turkey baster optin (IUI) would not give us much extra help so to head straight for IVF. And if we were going to, then I wouldn't bother with IUI, I would go straight to IVF.

I feel like crap about it. Part 1 of me wants to leap onto the IVF bandwagon immediately and start start start. Part 2 wants to bury my head in the sand and forget it all. Part 3 wants to keep TTC naturally. Part 1 keeps saying that Part 2 and 3 are stupid. Part 4 wants to wind back time and try to convince DH to have a baby with me earlier. I'm a mixed up muddle of a Sybil-ly-self really.

I always said we wouldn't go the IVF route because we had kids already, but now that the Lovely Dr L says it's the best route to take I am wavering.

The Big Guy analogises that we were in a bingo hall (low cost, low risk TTC) and that now we're thinking of heading off to the casino with a large sum of money and some 30-70 odds. We need to think.

We got an information pack about IVF, we get to pay $125 and attend an information session to learn all about it and decide if we want to go ahead. I'm going to spend that at the periodontist instead because my gums are screwed up too (thanks Granny for giving me your genetically poor gums).

More grrrr.

Too much on

The Little Guy has started school, my Gramps is getting sicker, my Honours project has me screaming and running for the hills, work wants a website and also for me to do all my regular work.

I am a bit overwhelmed at the moment. And as usual I am hoping that the Big Guy and I have nailed it this month (apparently the cycle after a lap can be extra-fertile).

I went up to Brisbane last weekend and stayed two nights in the hospital with my Gramps. It was wonderful to be able to do this, the nurses (mostly) appreciate families staying over and my Gramps certainly did. He kissed me more than he has ever kissed me in my life. I read to him a lot and chatted about general stuff and adored him up close. He's not awake much - only a few hours a day, and he spends a lot of this time somewhat confused. The pain meds are heavy duty so they leave him in a daze a lot, but he does have sharp moments and he knew who I was at all times.

Leaving him was one of the hardest things I have ever done.

He was eating lunch listening to Dean Martin sing "Arrivederci Roma" at full volume and we both cried a little. Too awful to be flying 2000km south and away from him when all I wanted to do was to stay by his side forever.

At the moment he cries a lot as he looks at pictures or talks about the past. He is very emotional and that is so strange. He's been a very loving man, a strong sensitive type who has been sparing with his emotionality and his physical affection. But now, at the end, he is super affectionate and emotional. I wonder if it is an effect of the drugs, relaxing his inhibitions or if he is simply relaxing his guard and feeling everything as much as he likes.

My Granny and Mum and Aunt don't like him to cry, they say he needs to be kept on an even keel and to distract him from his tears. I'm not sure about that but it afforded us a secret laugh on the first night when he was crying as I read/sang Banjo Patterson's "Clancy of the Overflow". He cried gently and then I was too and I said "You'll have to stop that or all those women we love will be up in arms and they'll banish me from the hospital!" He giggled through his tears.

Arrgghh. It's too awful. One ought not have to suffer at the end of a life lived well. Pain and drugs and a protracted illness are a terribly unfair end. Why isn't there a switch or a button or a choice!

Enough for now.