Today, instead of writing a paper like I should have been, I was trawling through iVillage archives and finding all the posts I made from 2002 onward in the forums there, documenting my pregnancy adventure. Copying/pasting them, into a diary of sorts, and remembering how I felt. It's bizarre going so far back in time and reading old younger me. I was so sad at first when I got pregnant. I spent the first 8 weeks crying about it. TLG was completely unplanned and I was preparing to leave my XH when we got pregnant. And so when I discovered it I felt so incredibly trapped and forlorn Also, the hormones just about killed me with moodiness. But once I hit the 8 week mark I felt beatific instead of sad. And I stayed like that the rest of the pregnancy. Delighted, wondrous, happy beyond compare.
How I wish I had been able to experience that again. This time I wouldn't have been at all sad, not one tiny bit. But no matter how hard I wish, how much I want it, it's just not happening. Mostly I'm ok. Sometimes I'm completely not.
Today, not.
Truthfully internet, some days even looking at pictures of baby Little Guy makes me cry, he was so small for such a short time, and now he's all big and I'm terrified of losing him. What about when he stops cuddling and kissing me with love. He still does, but I know that the time is drawing ever closer when he pulls back. I don't want him to. I'll be lost without his affection. And what about when he gets older and marries. What if his wife doesn't like me? What if she won't let him see me? How will I live with that? Then the other day, my Mum offhandedly said something about daughters being the ones who look after their aged parents. I don't have a daughter. What about when I'm an old old lady, will tLG visit me and do all the things I see my Mum doing for her Mum, will he care? It breaks my heart to have him growing up and away from me.
Hey-- Yeah, I get it. I want so badly to hold onto my little P forever, and she's not even 2 yet! But already, the gulf is widening... and she's a girl, and that doesn't make it any better. And if she was my 10th child instead of my first-and-quite-possibly-only, it STILL wouldn't make it any better... it's a sad thing to be a mom. Wonderful, but sad. I wish you got to do it again, but I don't think it would make the fact of them growing up any less painful. And maybe, if anything, you remain closer when you only have one (or is that wishful thinking on my part?). This was a lovely post-- thanks.
ReplyDeleteits amazing what happens in 10years. i worry my girls will hate me or be annoyed with me. i think(right or wrong) that boys would be easier and love tgier moms more. i hope im wrong. glad you have a great boy.
ReplyDeleteHi Pundelina...I'm not currently updating my private blog, just the public one (the one you've been commenting on) at:
ReplyDeletehttp://lateforaveryimportantpregnancy.wordpress.com/
There is no password or private access, so you should be able to see all my posts there...I'm posting publicly there because I feel a responsibility to let other women with Premature Ovarian Failure know there is an alternative treatment available....Please see if you can access the other posts - there shouldn't be a problem.
XOXOXO
Maddy
Pundy, many, many hugs to you. It isn't as it should be and it makes a lot of sense that you are sometimes not. Those things you wonder about - the growing up and away, the wife - they have run through my mind, too (and O isn't even out of diapers). We want our kids to grow and thrive, and yet the growing leads in an inevitable direction. But, at the same time - knowing you in this rather limited internet way that I do notwithstanding - I doubt very much that any son of yours is going to want to be anything other than a central part of your life for, well, ever.
ReplyDeleteI was thinking what Adele said. TLG has you for a mum so no way he is goi g to choose a wife that does not love you to pieces and no way you won't be always part of his life.
ReplyDeletetyping from phone so hope make sense and miss you
xo
To state the obvious, it is all sorts of natural that you have these waves of grief. I so wish things had come out differently.
ReplyDeleteAnd what Adele said. We can already tell how easy you are to love!