Rainbow cake

I have to make this cake.  I don't know if I can manage it, but I'll have to try sometime because I love the look of it.

Hostore

Greetings ladies.

You may be wondering about the title of this post.

• Is it an Italian dialect greeting?
• Is it a strange new food?
• Is it the store you go to buy hos from?

Surely C's the right answer, right??


It's none of the above - it was my google verification word when I left a birthday message on Keiko's blog. And it tugged at me, like those darned not-words do.

Often I get a fantasmagorical verification word and I want to sign off my comment with it.  But then I stop myself and think, "but they'll think I'm weird if I sign off a comment with hostore, even if I do find it terribly funny". Why do I care whether you guys think I'm weird?

Misfits wrote about friendships recently and so did Bunny and they got me thinking about what these IF friendships mean to me and how much I appreciate belonging to a Glum Club (with moments of Glee when one of us gets to escape).

I do, I do, I do. I appreciate the you-ness of you all so very very much. So maybe I will start signing off my comments with my verification words - just because of the me-ness of me.  Or maybe just the excellent ones. We'll see.

About this club though. Maddy wrote recently that 25 of her blog sisters had gotten pregnant since she started blogging in June 09. I started blogging 8 months earlier and have through all my IFtime belonged to a forum of TTCers. At last count 39 women I started trying with are pregnant or have had their babies in the forum alone. In bloggy-IF-land out here there's at least the 25 Maddy counted plus a few more from the 8 months prior to her count. That's a shitload of escapees. 64 at minimum. Maddy takes it as a sign of hope - it can happen she says and she's totally correct.

But I'm torn at present.

I greet the pregnancy announcements with such joy - true joy, especially when they've struggled hard. And I congratulate and compliment along with everyone else when babies are birthed safely and displayed proudly. Both in the outerworld and in cyberspace. I'm so appreciative of all the new little persons being created and born. I want each and every one of you to get pregnant and produce your squalling, kicking, cooing bundles. I want to snuggle and cuddle your bundles of love and occasionally I'm lucky enough to do so when someone close to me has a baby (like SIL#1 and SIL#2 and Friend#1 and Friend#2).

It's just that I wonder if I'm picking a scab. Maybe I'd feel better about my failure if I wasn't confronted with so much success it at every turn. I just don't know. I'm pondering.

It's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to

So there.

The Big Guy was very kind to me this morning. I turned 38 and woke up cross and cranky and weepy.  Chronologically my body is 38, mentally I'm about 28 and my reproductive system is about 48. Aarrgghh. This is the third birthday I've spent TTC and it's going to be the last one. I'm over it. I'm over beating my head against the brick wall of my prematurely aging ovaries.

The clinic has agreed to do a cycle for us irrespective of my FSH level - so when my period arrives I'll get busy jabbing. We'll do a flare cycle and hope to God it works.

Da da daaaaaa

Just because I love it.

Fuck you FSH

My period arrived on Mothers Day.

Day 2 FSH = 14.1

Clinic will only let me do IVF if my CD2 FSH level is below 12. We weren't aiming for a cycle this month anyway, just tracking it to see the fluctuation-that-wasn't.

FuckFuckFuckFuckFUCK.

I am now the unhappy owner of sore eyes (crying), old ovaries (genetics) and a request for a bone density test marked 'indicator - premature menopause'.

And I have realised that I am jealous of other infertile couples.  A green hierarchy of jealousy which I shall now expose because it's festering inside me and this is what my blog is for after all ... de-fester-ifying my head.

First place goes to those women under 30 who are experiencing ovulation problems (anovulation, PCOS whatever) - seemingly easily fixed by clomid or, if need be, a quickie trip through IUI or IVF. At least there's young healthy eggs in there somewhere.

Couples with male infertility place in the middle, even those who have almost totally crapped out sperm, because it only takes one and 1% of 10,000 is still an awful fucking lot when the embryologist is looking for one to ICSIfy.

And bringing up the rear are those women who have tubal problems but fine ovaries. IVF is a must, but if there's eggs there then you're in business.

*Sigh* How fucking sad am I.

Back to the fun-park

Well, well, well. Wednesday's doctor's appointment resulted in a non-teary departure from his office, a situation which surprised me no end.

He says that reproductive hormones fluctuate and he recommends trying again! As long as my day 2 FSH is below 12...of course. We looked at going with his clinic but in the end he said he would only do the same type of cycle as our old clinic anyway, neither of them believe in oestrogen priming cycles due to the lack of rigorous scientific evidence, so it's to be another flare. He did say that this time next year would be no good with the downhill path I'm on. We compared costs and we're going back through the original clinic and we'll have another go on the IVF roller-coaster.

Because I do so love roller-coasters, the faster and bigger the ups and downs the better. At least the IVF roller-coaster has some ups - unlike my body's natural roller-coaster which is now permanently set on steeply-down.

We in Australia need Child Protection Order checks and Police Record checks to proceed with IVF as of the new legislation introduced this year.  Last year we got the police checks done, so we just had to post off the child protection checks and wait for processing. Potentially, I'll be jabbing myself by the end of May -0 as long as that FSH level is under 12. I'll check it when my period comes in early may just to see what's happening.

Anyhoo, in other good news the Big Guy's sperm appears to be in the normal range now, so he said to keep trying naturally too - maybe there's one good egg left in me to naturally snag one of the millions of normally shaped sperm TBG produces. TBG stopped riding his bike after the SA that showed 92% abnormal forms, and he started taking Menevit and slow-release vitamin C. Maybe those things helped, maybe it was random, whatever, his junk is normal junk now and I am pleased about that.  So is he - he kinda puffed out a bit when the doc told us and later said (only half-jokingly) that he feels more manly. I, of course, feel less womanly because it's so darn obvious that we're not pregnant because of me. All me. And I know it's not a blame game - from him or anyone else outside my head. But inside my head - I'm playing the blame-game and I'm the loser.
 
As for the new legislation, there's been a lot of furore over here. Lots of "it's not fair"s and "fertile couples don't have to get checks before they leave the hospital with their baby". Personally, I don't care and I think that it's the least of the "it's not fairs". I understand the purpose - I believe it's to avoid litigation sometime in the future when a child conceived through ART grows up and reveals that they were abused by a parent and seeks to sue the clinic that facilitated their conception. If the clinic hadn't jumped through some hoops to suggest that they vetted out the paedophiles and child-beaters, then they'd be liable. It cost us about $64 to get the checks and really, anyone with a clean record ought not be disturbed. It's just not that big of a deal - they are the sort of checks one has to get done for all sorts of employment/volunteer work anyway. Rant over and sorry if I offended anyone who's offended by the checks.

And wait - there's more good news!!!

We're going to Italy from 23 Dec to 8 Jan to start 2011 fresh and exciting :) I'm thrilled to be going and TBG is such a sweetheart for suggesting it, I was feeling awfully plan-less, direction-less and miserable - this really helps! Christmas in Rome, New Years in ...? Visit some family, see where my grandfather came from, walk the stones that ancient people walked. I can't wait to get lost in all the history. And if I'm 7 months pregnant then all the better!